On Weddings

(This is a bit heavy, especially for having not written since June…sorry in advance.)

If you’ve just stumbled on this blog, or it’s the first post you’ve ever actually read, or you just haven’t been in touch with me AT ALL in a very long time, know this: I’m single. As the day is long.

Most of the time, I’m ok with that. Most of the time, I’m super glad that I didn’t jump into a relationship/marriage/what-have-you and end up regretting it. I know I’m glad God saved me that heartache. I’m glad he has allowed me to become who I am – who I wouldn’t be if I had gotten married before now; if I had even been in a serious relationship before now.

But there’s a weird juxtaposition going on between being genuinely thankful for what God has done (and is doing) in my life right now, and where I still hope to be – and I’m not getting any younger. Some of you are chuckling now, because you’re older than me. Some of you are older and married, some are older and not married. Some of you tried that route and it hasn’t been good or didn’t end well one way or another. I hear you. But the truth is, I am (as we all are) getting older. And when that happens, and you’re a person who wishes to be married and hopes for children, there are thoughts that occur to you. They are not super fun.

Sometimes they’re just that – thoughts. You have them, you process them briefly, you move on, and that's enough. Sometimes, though, they get stuck in your brain and they start to monopolize the cells up there and keep you from moving on. Oh, sure, you can (mostly and usually) still function: get up in the morning, work, eat, exercise...but your brain is constantly playing the scenario of sad lonely single you in your head. And of course, it is always played against the people in your life who have what you want. You’re genuinely happy for them. You know their lives aren’t perfect. You know there are hard things and sometimes even horrible things that some of them are walking through at the moment. Still, they have joys you don’t have, and blessings you desire. And that’s hard.

This past weekend I was at a wedding. It was beautiful, it was joyful, and it was full of celebration. I am so happy for the bride and her groom. I pray for years of happiness, and that their marriage is truly fulfilling and that they are able to grow together as they grow older. I sat with my parents and grandmother for most of it (and I love them. I had no qualms about going into it that way. I knew I'd be with them). But on the day, I felt very alone. Why is that? Why could I not focus on the joy of the newlyweds? I mean, I did, but there was a constant tinge of sadness beneath it as well. I was (and maybe still am) grieving what I don’t have. Grieving and fearing that I may never have it.

I honestly pray that last line doesn’t come true. I ask (ok, sometimes it’s more like beg) God that he see fit to pair me with a spouse, that he let me be a mother, help make a home. But I can’t honestly say that I know if that’ll be true or not. I haven’t heard him make me any promises other than that I am his. And at the end of the world, that’s enough. It really is. And I know that in my head and in my heart – but right now, and for the past several weeks, and probably the next few as well, it doesn’t feel like enough. I feel incomplete and lonely. I feel left out. I feel unattractive, and like I must not be good enough for some reason (I could give you plenty, but I’ll spare you that part of my inner dialogue).

I don’t have any upswing at the end of this. I don’t feel like it’s that much of a downer, so I do apologize if that’s how it comes off to you. It’s just facts. It’s not happy, but it is factual. So, for now, that’s where I leave you. Learning to keep resting – intentionally – in what I know to be true, and trying to find a way to feel like that is truly enough.

My Crazy Life

Time for an update? I think so. I can’t really believe I haven’t written since December! The past 3 months have been a little crazy in my little life. Since Easter (April 4 & 5), I worked my last week at The Compass, moved to Minneapolis, started my new job at the Evangelical Free Church of America, finished unpacking and organizing (except for the books and movies – they’re shelved, but that’s it) and got my new driver’s license, and am getting a new car next week (hopefully – and that isn’t partially broken!). That’s a lot.  I still haven’t settled on a new “home church” but am close. I miss friends, family, belonging. Some mornings I wake up, walk into my living room and think, I’m in Minnesota. Woah. I still can’t completely believe it. My beloved cabin is only 1.5-2 hours away now instead of 8. Yes, I am a lucky girl.

Next up: finish getting a car and... get a library card! ;)

Ok, so I bet you’re wondering how this all came about. Well, for the past couple years I have felt restless – I have prayed for clarity, peace, calm, and many of you have prayed with me. Several months ago, on a very bad day, I decided (thanks to prompting from my mom) to just see if there might be something to apply for at the EFCA in Minneapolis. There wasn’t, but there was a “give us your email and we’ll let you know if anything opens up” box – which I completed. I didn’t really think about it again after a day or so, partly because I was pretty sure if I ever did hear from them that it would be something for which I wasn’t qualified. 

Fast forward to March 12th. I received an email notification for an administrative job – a perfect fit. I was shocked. I prayed, and since I was at work, decided to ignore it until after our big event on Saturday morning. I could NOT stop thinking about it. I asked God to get it out of my mind until Saturday unless He wanted me to do something sooner. I couldn’t get it out of my mind! So, Friday morning before I went in for an extra day of work to prepare for the event, I completed the application. Friday afternoon while I ate a late lunch I saw that I had an email response – a form letter asking for completion of a few more questions, which I did. The event on Saturday went well, I worked Sunday too since one of my coworkers was sick and two others were out of town, and Sunday afternoon I crashed.

Monday MORNING I received a phone call asking if I could interview that week. I did a Skype interview that Friday, at the end of which I was told I’d be sent some assessments on Monday. I actually received the first one that afternoon, which I completed. On Monday morning (now we’re at Monday, the 23rd) I got the other assessments, which I did that night right after work. Tuesday around 11a, they called to ask for a second interview. I let my boss know what was going on and she gave me her blessing to follow God’s apparent leading, and that she’d be praying. That Friday, March 27th, I was in Minneapolis for my first in person (but second) interview. It went very well, and I felt like I was already joining the team. I had to remind myself all the way home that it was not for sure, but even my brother was lamenting already how unfair it was that I’d be moving only a couple hours from our lake. ;) I told him it wasn’t for sure, we didn’t really know that, and he confidently said, “Yeah, but you’re moving to Minnesota.” It made me smile. I had been told I’d hear by the end of the week – likely nearer the end.

In the meantime, Trinity International University (my alma mater) had called me for an interview for a position I’d applied for about a week prior to the EFCA job due to the urging of a friend and more prayer. It was something I thought I could do, but I didn’t know if it would really work, or even if it was the right idea. My interview was to be Tuesday, the 31st, so I stayed with my friend Alicia on campus from Saturday night through Monday. Monday I worked from a desk near her office. At 8:30a I got texts from 2 of my references saying they’d just talked to the EFCA. WOAH. By 10a I had a job offer, which I accepted via phone – and would accept officially via email a few hours later. It had been two weeks and two days since I’d HEARD about the opportunity.

Clearly, very clearly, this was God’s plan. I cancelled my interview with Trinity, called my parents and told my closest friends, and my boss – who were all excited for me. Tuesday first thing I submitted my notice. The week following Easter was my last. It was a good place to be and I learned a lot, and I love people there, but I cannot explain the peace that exists when you are living in God’s plan – it has been chaotic and crazy and fast, but it has been good.

I have learned a ton in my first two months here. I have made connections with people here, and some of them are becoming friends. I look forward to settling into a church (which is hard in the land of 10,000 lakes during the summer) and getting into a small group. My apartment feels like home, though it will more so once a few friends have been there, which is happening soon as friends from Illinois come to visit. I will also feel more settled once I reorganize (properly) my book and movie shelves and get a library card so I can get … more books!

Thanks to all of you who have prayed, all of you who have been patiently waiting for the details of this update, and those of you who have listened lovingly and kindly to the moments when I’m freaking out (DMVs and driver’s knowledge tests are STRESSFUL)! God has blessed me richly, and most of it is because of you. God is good, and my story is proof!

I promise it won’t be as long again before I write… at least, I hope not! Until then...

On Marriage (& Singleness)

I am a single girl in her early thirties. I have many friends in each demographic, though admittedly, most are in the realm of a decade more or less than myself in terms of age. Lately, I have been thinking about singleness and "the Singles" quite a bit; how (the royal) we are treated in the church vs. in the world, how we think about one another, how we think about marriage. I have been through many emotions - anger, fear, jealousy, loneliness, relief, apathy, and yes, happiness - in the past few months with regards to this area of my life.

I started writing about it as far as it relates to the church, but haven't had time to really flesh out my thoughts. The general overview is that most people, married and single alike, tend to view church as a large dating pool for singles. Once you have a husband or, especially, kids, church becomes a different, purposeful place (usually). But for the single male or female, it's where you hunt for an acceptable spouse. This is damaging in so many ways. I have had mental, emotional, and even spiritual anguish in the past few years because of the way I've been spoken to, the off-handed comments to the deeper discussions, that assume I'm not a whole person because I'm not a wife.

I am whole. God loves me, Jesus saved me, the Spirit guides me. I. Am. Whole.

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married, to be a mom. I pray for my future husband (oops, see that? I'm doing it to myself...) and (here we go again) children. I sincerely hope that those people are in my future, and believe that it is good to pray for them - even if I never meet them. I have a desire for them that I can't explain. But I know people I love who had (or still have, possibly) that desire, and yet it has never happened for them. I hesitate to just drop my desire in the misquoted "God will grant you the desires of your heart" we're all so fond of in the church (in general). That isn't even the actual meaning of that verse - do your research (it's Psalm 37:4). Still, why do I feel so strongly if it is never going to happen?

I spend more time than I'd like to admit wondering about these things, but it has dropped off lately. Then today, I came across a video from someone I sometimes watch on YouTube: Michael Aranda. He's not a Christian (as far as I know or can tell), he's 27 years old, and a lot of what he (very honestly) says resonated with me strongly. It struck me because he's much the opposite of me (a non-Christian guy) but I expect things much the way he does.



This made me think, once again, about my own thoughts, my own dreams, my own expectations; how have I set myself up to ruin potential relationships - or even the friendships I have had? How have I set myself up for unrealistic expectations and what impact could that have on any future relationship I might have? It's a little fairly daunting.

The thing is, I don't know if I have a right to even ask myself some of those questions. My life is full. I have family I love and get along with well - even extended family, and even if I see them once every 5 years or so. I have friends to geek out with over Doctor Who and Sherlock and Psych and NCIS. I have other friends who are so close that they are my "chosen" family - they are the ones who see me the most raw and the most honest, the most often. I have prayer warriors. I have encouragers. I even have kids in my life! A niece and 3 nephews who are adorable, hilarious, crazy little people - and they love me right back, even if it's been a while since I've seen them. These are huge blessings.

The pressure of society to be married doesn't really start the same time as the church. At church, it feels weird (in my experience) once you're 23-24 and not married, or at least in a serious enough relationship to expect engagement. Society doesn't seem to have an issue as much until you're hitting your thirties or so, but it's the same force weighing down unless you can really convince someone that it's not something you want. People say all kinds of stuff to help make you feel better or give advice. You get "oh, it'll happen, don't worry," and "stop looking, he'll show up," and "you just haven't been out enough yet." At church it's, "Maybe God's still working on him," and "I'll be praying for you." I've also often heard "Be glad you're still single," and "enjoy your singleness, because marriage is so hard, you have no idea." All of these things are said most often with the deepest level of sincerity, helpfulness and kindness, and I don't discount that. But it implies that I'm missing something, or that I am not good enough ... even if it's not yet. For someone who struggles with self-esteem already (thanks again, society and sin), this is so far from helpful.

I am good enough - but only because God made me. And it's not "good enough for a husband" but just good enough as a person. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only me, and I'm His.

Also, I feel like I have to say this, to be very clear: I know marriage isn't a fix-all for the single life. But marriage isn't the only hard life either. We all have struggles and temptations and relationships to deal with and live through together. We can certainly talk with each other - but KNOW the person you're talking with well enough to know when to stop, and how to say it, and even if you should.

I have so many more thoughts rolling around, but this post has already gotten much longer than I initially intended, and the rest is even less cohesive. So for now, if you're single, check where your worth and your thoughts lie, gauge your motivation and your expectations, and don't set up the perfect marriage as the goal of your life. If you're married, be very careful how you say what you say, because we know you love us, and want us to be happy like you are (or happier than you are), but it is very easy to say hurtful things when they aren't meant that way. For all of us: we ought to be excited with and for each other in each step through life, supporting one another fully, and not putting our own expectations onto anyone else.

My prayer is that God will grant us the graciousness and wisdom to deal with each other, and trust Him in every circumstance and relationship. ;)

Crumble

What do you do when everything crumbles around you?

I have a tendency to crumble with it. Not right away, not quickly, but I do indeed crumble. There have been a few times that things were built back up fast enough that I did not fall before it was resurrected. Usually, though, even if it's briefly, I crack. I find myself in a real struggle mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually - though I don't always recognize that part of it.

So what do you do? How do you keep going and not just sit at home moping or crying or hiding from everything and everyone? Well, for me, it's often found in music. Which then leads me to Scripture, which is the spoken Word from God to me. (!) And of course, the best place to go is God - so even though I pray a lot through whatever circumstance I find myself in, the

music --> Scripture --> God's heart 

is the path that takes me outside my own head and realigns me with the One who can not only sort it out, but make it worth it.

Today, the song thankfully stuck in my head is Everything Falls by Fee. Specifically repeating:

You said You'd never leave or forsake me
When you said, this life is gonna shake me
...
There will be storms in this life
But I know You will overcome, you have overcome
...
When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong, You keep holding on

God is, indeed, good.  And the best place to begin rebuilding is worship.

figuring things out

I think I may have just come upon a discovery about myself. And I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Every Monday for the past 3 weeks, I have felt overwhelmed. like, elephant sitting on my chest so I can't breathe overwhelmed. It's really irritating. and it's frustrating because it makes me think that maybe I have a problem that can't be solved. And I can't just keep trying to get through it because it takes until about Wednesday to feel better at all, by which time I'm still so busy that I can hardly keep up and I just pray constantly that the most important things will get done by Friday.

So what I realized today is that when I get a whole lot of information at once, it is overwhelming. If I get it piecemeal, though, it isn't much better. I started thinking about why this is such an issue, and came up with... well.

Here's the weird part: its like word problems in math. I hate those. Seriously, they are the worst ever. Just give me the problem, teach me how to solve it, and let me go. I'm not great at math overall, but word problems have always been one of the hardest things for me to figure out. "But it's just an algebra equation," you say. Yeah, I know. I just don't get them. It's a story, and I know there are things that need to be figured out. That much is clear. And there's a train, and people traveling (or objects), and we'd like to know what time they'll get from A to B or how fast they're going or something. But with the way you've told me the story, my brain just can't figure out which number or letter belongs to which part of the equation to solve it. When I walk through it with someone, it becomes so extremely clear that I can't believe I couldn't see it myself, but I sure couldn't.

It feels the same way when I get a ton of information from anywhere. I know I can figure out eventually what there is to be done, and when it needs to be done, but getting there takes so much work, so much time, that often, I feel like the deadline will pass before I even know what it is that needs doing. So, sitting in a meeting at work, taking notes, highlighting or starring those things that seem like "do" points and making note of their due dates is all well and good. But then I leave the meeting, and there is so much more there than I have specific record of in my notes. It's all there, too, but I just can't see it. And it overwhelms me.

I'm 30! Shouldn't I be able to figure these things out by now without all the stress?

Stupid word problems. I tried to learn you. Really, I did. When they told me in junior high and high school that I'd need these dumb math skills the rest of my life, I believed them. It just didn't seem to help. Cuz word problems are still killing me today.

I don't know how I feel about this. In some ways it makes me feel a little better about how stressed I am because this is something I've always struggled with. On the other hand, it's really awful, because it's something I've always struggled with.

Maybe

Maybe is a powerful word.

There are so many possibilities in "maybe."
Possibilities for success, for failure, for something new, for no change at all. Possibilities for new relationships to be made, new skills to be learned, new experiences, new places to see. There are (of course) also many unknowns.

Maybe is not a decision. Maybe is the in-between your "yes" or "no." Maybe is the gray area. Maybe is your thought process; or your procrastination.

There may be a change coming in my life. Oh, who am I kidding? Change is happening all around. There are changes at work, changes at home, changes in relationships, changes in plans; this is nothing new.

But some changes are larger and newer and more unknown than others. That is the kind that "may be" coming my way. It is simultaneously exciting and terrifying, but I figure that's how I know I'm within God's will. If it was too easy, or too hard, I'd be outside those bounds - and that's never a good place to be.

I can't give any details, of course, because the "maybe" is still too large, too unknown, too... "may be." Just knowing it's a possibility though, (and likely one that will encompass all the variety of ways a "maybe" can come to fruition) has me on the edge of my seat, waiting - impatiently - to see what God will do next.

Missing Pieces

I've been missing... sorry about that. Let me 'splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up:

JAMAICA

Amazing. God made some very clear comments to my heart. Not as clear as I'd like, but clear none-the-less. I had an amazing time despite sweating every moment of every day - including while I slept, ate, worked, and even showered. We're talking dripping down my back as I ate my tiny breakfast at 8 in the morning. Met amazing people who inspire me to follow God's leading and watch what happens, worked with kids who were so excited to hang on us and be loved by us that everything we did/said/showed them was an instant hit, painted, was exhausted, and bonded with some of the coolest students on the planet. Don't know when my next adventure will be, but even now thinking back on my experience there with God, I can't wait to see how He uses me next.

SUMMER DAY CAMP

The reason I never blogged about Jamaica. I came home, I rested for A day. I did enough laundry to get through the week. I worked countless hours making sure we were prepared for Day Camp. This was my life for the next 3 weeks. Oh, and prepping for the fall ministry year. Yeah, cuz there isn't too much to do for that, is there? No. Of course not, silly.

VACATION AT THE LAKE
My saving grace this summer. It was the thing I looked forward to most after Jamaica. It was my time for rest, for recovery, for revitalization. I went with my mom and spent 9 & 1/2 days walking, reading, sitting in the sun, eating junk (spoiled Americans), taking pictures of God's glorious creation, talking with my grandparents, and relaxing (what a concept). It was wonderful.

A DAY WITH THE KIDDOS

I spent my first day back from Minnesota with my brother's family - my beautiful niece, my two adorable nephews, the best sister-in-law a girl could ever hope for, and (one of) my sweet brother(s). Pictures, tickling, laughing, hugging, Elmo-and-silly-song watching joyfulness.

FALL PREP AT WORK and beyond...

Yup. It came fast, it came crazy, it came expected and yet unexpectedly busy for some reason. I have now begun as a leader with our youth group, my small group (which I am also leader of) has switched gears, and I have helped my friend get some of our church's singles events going. It's been amazing, but I have not had a free weekend since ... August 18th. I have been out of town with friends, family, other youth leaders.

Today, in the midst of the last week of September (what??? where did the time go??) I realized I hadn't written here since JULY. (#epicfail) The summary now complete, I vow to be more regular again. Last year was a sad showing. This year has been positively pitiful. Let's make it look a little better before it leaves us, shall we?

Until next time...what have you been up to since July?

decisions

wow. everything i can think to write right now has a negative spin on it. :( not good.

i have some BIG decisions in my life right now, and because i am waiting on God to guide me and am not yet sure what that means, i won't go into any details. suffice it to say it would be a big change in almost every way, and despite the things i am fearing, i also am very excited about it. i hope i can find some clarity and definitive answers soon so i can start "shouting from the mountaintops" as it were.

in the mean time sitting here, slogging through the day to day is getting rougher. it's harder to sit still. it's harder to keep going. to be motivated, internally or externally. i just want to sit outside in the fresh air, read books, listen to music, eat lunch with friends, talk about possibilities.

God, give me strength to keep doing what you've asked me to do - even for a time.
i just feel so ... restless.

Oi.

the stress.

it has arrived.

and i'm having trouble coping.

lucky for me, i got a few hugs yesterday, and that always helps.

but when i'm here, trying to think about too many too-difficult things at once, it rains down.

and i feel lost.


(sorry to dump today... maybe i'll be more upbeat later.)

God is good

yesterday was another hard day, which i knew it would be, but ended up being so for more reasons.

i hate that.

but i went out with 2 wonderful friends last night for some good food and an amazing (true) love story while curled up on a couch with a gigantic, delicious, red velvet cupcake and homemade cream cheese frosting (the leftovers of which i will eat today).

still, this morning, i was thinking about the discouraging stuff from yesterday (it's hard to escape the blues).

but i had my life group meeting with my lovely ladies and we talked of forgiveness, where our focus is, and how we should truly be thinking about life and its circumstances.

after they left, i planned an evening with a friend (for tonight). i already have seen things that remind me of yesterday's difficulties, and i know i will have to deal with those again next week.

but God is good. He is in control. and He has given me a weekend filled with Himself and friends and laughter to help me keep going.

God is truly good.

when it rains it pours

more things changing, and while i'm trying to stay positive and trust God, it's getting harder as each day goes by. i know His will is best, and i'm trying to just trust, take one day at a time, and see where He leads.

things to think about are less and less clear and even less fun to have to think about.
plus, i'm trying to stay positive and thinking about these things makes that even harder.

i'm sad and frustrated and irritated and tired (haven't slept well in a week & a half now).


and, i have tiny chicken disease this week on top of it all (otherwise known as the common cold).
bleh.

Hot Chocolate Cures Many Ills

So far today I've had 2 large mugs of flavored (carmel & french vanilla) hot chocolate. I plan to consume cinnamon and mint (and maybe regular) later today.

It was another early morning (earlier than usual) and promises to be a late night (at work, that is). I am trying to keep a positive attitude, which I'm not succeeding at completely (see the last 2 posts), but I'm working on it, and God is keeping me better than I could be (thank You).

The hot chocolate is helping. A lot. So is the promise of a surprise package (whenever it comes - that's the surprise) from a friend of my brothers/favorite vlogger.

Oh, and the memories of Voyage of the Dawn Treader in 3D in all it's fabulousness (thanks to Samaritan's Purse) for free last night. Good movie. Will be seen in the theater again without a doubt.

It's almost halfway through Wednesday; I know I can make it, with God's strength in me, even if does still feel long. :)

all i can say is

shoot.

it's not Tuesday, it's Monday, but here.
i'm again faced with this feeling.
and this one, too.

i hate it.
a lot.

make it go away.
please?

Going into Monday...

As I prepare to head to bed, I thought I'd better get these -ahem- thoughts down before I forgot. Because I think I'll need to remember them a few times this week.

I serve a great and mighty God, Who has gone above and beyond anything I can even imagine - I can't even come close to actually comprehending what He's done for me - and how much He loves me. He has given me gifts (relationships with people, helping others, singing, playing the piano, listening, praying, I could sit and think of more, but let's move on) that I can use better than someone who hasn't got those gifts from Him. My responsibility is to do the very best that I can in this world, in the situations that present themselves on a weekly, daily, hourly (minutely?) basis. As long as that is my goal (glorifying Him by using the gifts He's graciously given me), there is no such thing as failure. No matter what does or does not get accomplished in this place, in the world, in my life, my job, my relationships with others, if (IF) I am truly doing my best FOR HIM, I cannot fail. He won't let me fall and smudge His Name. I do not (absolutely do not, no chance, no question about it) have enough strength or force of will to do that day in day out - sometimes even hour or minute in or out - but He does.

Therein lies my confidence. My ability to persevere. My ability to continually pray to the One Who is my Rock, my Strength, my Guide, my Protector, my Savior, my Peace. Because of these things (promises He's made to me - not that it'll be easy, but that He will never leave my side), I can be content in Him. It doesn't mean I have to like the situation(s), but I have to trust Him, have confidence in Him. And because I know that He's the One in charge, I can be truly fearless in the fact that I am His, He is mine (!), and He knows what's gonna happen even when I don't (which is almost always). Peace that transcends understanding. Contentment.

Glory to God, forever.

Planning to Dive In

I have felt lately that my daily (ok, ok, weekly) devotions have not been what they should be (ahem: weekly...) and that part of the problem is that I have lost interest in what I'm studying.

I've been going through the Bible with the help of a yearly journal for 2 1/2 years now. I still am learning and gaining insight. I still believe that God is using the passages to teach me what I need to learn. Lately the theme has been the same (for several we- well, months actually) and it's coming from passages I have definitely read before - so there's your proof. Plus, it's sorta cool that those lesser-read passages are becoming more and more familiar.

However. I truly think that at the moment I'm just "going through the motions" and not in a good way. I want to dive in. I want to be challenged. I want to become more of a leader. I want to have to work harder at knowing my amazing God. Right now I kinda feel like I'm just floating. I'm doing what I have to, what I know is right. And I think that's an ok place to start, even an ok place to get to sometimes; but it's NOT ok to stay there once you realize you're there.

A few ... months?... ago I started reading these two books. I was so excited about them. But life got busy, and I put them under my table in a shoulder bag and haven't looked at them since. Until this morning. I only read a few paragraphs out of Deep Church, but I am already excited to get back into it and thinking through these things again. (While looking for the post to link about these books, I found this good reminder to myself... sheesh. How quickly I forget.)

Also, as recently shared, I began reading Crazy Love. This is another good one - full of great things to think through. I am seeing God working in my head and heart already through what I'm reading and what my small group discusses as a result.

I'm planning on getting a commentary and making my own Bible study. I need something that refuses to be surface. Something that will make me think it through things I may not have noticed before. Something that requires that I don't swallow it whole as truth, but interact with it and with The Truth so I come out more like Jesus. I'm not sure what book I'll be studying yet - I'll be figuring that out tonight - but probably something written by Paul to begin. We'll see...

Life has gotten a little nuts lately and I feel like I'm lost in a very dark cave on a very narrow bridge with no light to help guide me - just faith and trust in my great God (my!). I found another quote from myself that I found looking for appropriate posts to link is this one, and it's a little crazy, cuz this is where I am (again) but I sure didn't have this direct deliberate thought in my head. I've just been thinking 'take a step forward cuz what else can I do?' which is good, but without the remembering of WHY I'm doing that, it's still too depressing.

"it's scary. there isn't a path defined for me to follow. but i know Who i'm following, and have absolute faith in Him - no matter how scary it gets."

Thank God for this reminder. And for the desire to know Him better.

Valentines Confessions

I feel like I haven't posted for awhile... but it hasn't actually been that long. today's post promises to be a bit... well, I don't want to say negative, but for lack of a better word...
Here we go.

Valentines day is coming.
I don't really care about it much.

In fact, I have been feeling... well...disillusioned. lost. frustrated.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to be all pouty or whatever, it's just that there is not a "real" reason for me to celebrate this season of love your special someone - cuz I don't have one. Sure, I could celebrate my love for my family, my friends, but let's be honest, this is mostly a celebration of that special person who has touched your life in a way no one else can. And what's making it all worse is how most of my friends (whom I greatly care about) are in a relationship like that - some newly and *ahem* oldly dating boyfriends/girlfriends, engaged couples, newly married couples, couples expecting babies... and I am very happy for them, honestly. I am glad that they have been blessed in such a special way. I would never begrudge them that.

And I also realize that not everything is chocolate and kisses and roses. I have witnessed the fights. I have seen the frustration. I have been the listening ear. But behind it, around it, mixed inexplicably with it, is the deep purposeful love that cannot even really be explained well - especially to one who hasn't been around it at all. It is making me jealous. Yeah, jealous.

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am jealous. I wish I could find that special someone. I wish I had someone to share some of my experiences with in that way. I have wonderful, caring friends. I have a great family. I have coworkers who are friends - truly. Those are all bonuses. I have a deep, meaningful relationship with my Creator. What else could I possibly need??

But the desire of my heart is to be a wife, and to be a mother. I cannot (despite the times I've tried) get rid of that desire. I cannot convince myself through other things that I don't want that. And I'm getting impatient. (I know, I know - be patient, quit looking, and "he" will "fall into your lap" - trust me, I've tried that many, MANY times, to no avail. And I was good - I really got to the point of being truly complete with myself in God - still feel that way, in fact - and still, nothing, which is frustrating because I can still feel lonely.) That probably means I'm not really there yet, or not really letting go enough yet, but I am not pining away here, folks. Just feeling a bit lonely here and there.

It terrifies me that I may not ever be blessed like that.
Really, it does.
It is such a deep longing, that I don't know how to even really admit that that might be God's plan for my life. I hate that I didn't want to even type the end of that sentence. How could God possibly allow me to desire something so deeply, if it isn't part of His plan for me?

Trust on.
Even if that's not seeming to "help" me right now.
I don't know what else to say or do.