Beyond Beginning

Sometimes I find it very hard to start something. But often, while starting is hard, continuing is harder. Whether it be research for something I'm interested in learning, crocheting a blanket (or working on a cross stitch pattern), a project at work, writing, or even just keeping up with a blog of a friend (or *ahem* writing on my own).

It can be for many different reasons. I may be super busy at work for a season and not have time to keep up on my personal pursuits. I may be overwhelmed by the project itself; often I have an idea that is exciting, but once I start working on it or thinking through it, it seems too big (or that I'm unprepared to do it) and the process stops. Sometimes I have good momentum on something but then out of nowhere that 'overwhelmed' feeling creeps in and it all grinds to a halt.

In the last couple weeks I've realized I'm in the middle of at least 8 things like this. Frustrating. Beyond frustrating, actually. I am not a finisher. Well, I am at work, but not in these projects. What does that mean? At work, I usually find the way to keep going because of a deadline or a responsibility that is tied to others. At home, I can set deadlines, but since they usually don't affect anyone but me, it's easy to change, or drop altogether. And then, in time, I find myself disappointed with... myself.

What do you do to get beyond beginning and see something through to the end?

Planning to Dive In

I have felt lately that my daily (ok, ok, weekly) devotions have not been what they should be (ahem: weekly...) and that part of the problem is that I have lost interest in what I'm studying.

I've been going through the Bible with the help of a yearly journal for 2 1/2 years now. I still am learning and gaining insight. I still believe that God is using the passages to teach me what I need to learn. Lately the theme has been the same (for several we- well, months actually) and it's coming from passages I have definitely read before - so there's your proof. Plus, it's sorta cool that those lesser-read passages are becoming more and more familiar.

However. I truly think that at the moment I'm just "going through the motions" and not in a good way. I want to dive in. I want to be challenged. I want to become more of a leader. I want to have to work harder at knowing my amazing God. Right now I kinda feel like I'm just floating. I'm doing what I have to, what I know is right. And I think that's an ok place to start, even an ok place to get to sometimes; but it's NOT ok to stay there once you realize you're there.

A few ... months?... ago I started reading these two books. I was so excited about them. But life got busy, and I put them under my table in a shoulder bag and haven't looked at them since. Until this morning. I only read a few paragraphs out of Deep Church, but I am already excited to get back into it and thinking through these things again. (While looking for the post to link about these books, I found this good reminder to myself... sheesh. How quickly I forget.)

Also, as recently shared, I began reading Crazy Love. This is another good one - full of great things to think through. I am seeing God working in my head and heart already through what I'm reading and what my small group discusses as a result.

I'm planning on getting a commentary and making my own Bible study. I need something that refuses to be surface. Something that will make me think it through things I may not have noticed before. Something that requires that I don't swallow it whole as truth, but interact with it and with The Truth so I come out more like Jesus. I'm not sure what book I'll be studying yet - I'll be figuring that out tonight - but probably something written by Paul to begin. We'll see...

Life has gotten a little nuts lately and I feel like I'm lost in a very dark cave on a very narrow bridge with no light to help guide me - just faith and trust in my great God (my!). I found another quote from myself that I found looking for appropriate posts to link is this one, and it's a little crazy, cuz this is where I am (again) but I sure didn't have this direct deliberate thought in my head. I've just been thinking 'take a step forward cuz what else can I do?' which is good, but without the remembering of WHY I'm doing that, it's still too depressing.

"it's scary. there isn't a path defined for me to follow. but i know Who i'm following, and have absolute faith in Him - no matter how scary it gets."

Thank God for this reminder. And for the desire to know Him better.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (part last)

Today was the day.

Had the time to say what was needed.
God gave me the clarity (or enough) of words and thoughts.

I didn't lose it.

I was honest. I didn't sugar coat or leave anything out.
I know the only reason it went that well was because of all the people praying for us and our Amazing God who does it all.

I already feel the lifting of the burden. I know that going forward it will be better. I know I am truly valued. I know that I am worth working through things (and so is the other). It was difficult, but the frustration has lifted, and though I'm sure it will resurface at times, I know that I can bring it up and re-confront it more easily, and know that it is maintenance and something we both want to keep good. We are starting with a clean, forgiven slate, covered by love for each other (as sisters in Christ), and the Love that supports us above all else (God).

Today, I will go home feeling less burdened and stressed than I have in a long time.
Thanks be to God!

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 3)

I think today's the day.

Please be praying:
-clear thoughts (me)
-clear words (me)
-clear explanations and examples (me)
-understanding (other)
-listening ears (both)
-hearing heart (both)
-willingness to strive to make it better (both)

(and I don't wanna.)

edit: it's now 4:51 p.m. The conversation barely started. Then it was stopped. At the time, I was grateful for the respite, and the promise of tomorrow. I then (30 minutes later) realized I was running - even if not as far as usual. I decided to call a friend and ask her to pray that I was making the right decision. I went down. The decision was made for me. The other was gone. Now, I am frustrated. And irritated. Pray that tomorrow this will happen, regardless of feelings or emotions or lack of time. Pray for all the things listed above. With His help, I know I will be blameless and above reproach. With His help, I know I will have the strength to do this.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 2)

Well.

Today (unexpectedly) the process began.
And so far, there is concern for what could be said, and a desire (from the other party, as well as me) to have a good resolution, and make sure offense has not been caused (or taken). I told this person I was still thinking through everything in my head, and was not prepared to jump into the conversation (assuming I still think there needs to be one once I'm done thinking and praying about it) before I had time to really get through it all between myself and God. This positive (and slightly concerned) reaction makes me feel like it is worth attempting, but I really do strongly think that I need to finish really picking apart what is merely my mind issue and what needs to be addressed together. I even admitted that I would rather run away, but that I know that's not healthy for either of us(!).

I covet your prayers as I try to figure out the right way to move forward, and the timing of the conversation, and my words as they come out in the conversation. Pray also for the ears and heart that hear it (and mine, of course).

I thank my great God for His help in timing, and the very specific question I was asked that caused this start to the process. I don't honestly know if I would have started this (though I need to, and know it) without His push.

And we're off...

Conflict(s)... resolution...

What is your default?
Mine is to run away (avoid).
totally and completely.

and i have to stop that.
and it's hard.
and i don't want to (i want to run away from not running away).

and i know i should go bring it up.
regardless of what may happen (tears, frustration, etc. - or not).
and i don't want to.

but i think i have to.