Maybe

Maybe is a powerful word.

There are so many possibilities in "maybe."
Possibilities for success, for failure, for something new, for no change at all. Possibilities for new relationships to be made, new skills to be learned, new experiences, new places to see. There are (of course) also many unknowns.

Maybe is not a decision. Maybe is the in-between your "yes" or "no." Maybe is the gray area. Maybe is your thought process; or your procrastination.

There may be a change coming in my life. Oh, who am I kidding? Change is happening all around. There are changes at work, changes at home, changes in relationships, changes in plans; this is nothing new.

But some changes are larger and newer and more unknown than others. That is the kind that "may be" coming my way. It is simultaneously exciting and terrifying, but I figure that's how I know I'm within God's will. If it was too easy, or too hard, I'd be outside those bounds - and that's never a good place to be.

I can't give any details, of course, because the "maybe" is still too large, too unknown, too... "may be." Just knowing it's a possibility though, (and likely one that will encompass all the variety of ways a "maybe" can come to fruition) has me on the edge of my seat, waiting - impatiently - to see what God will do next.

Missing Pieces

I've been missing... sorry about that. Let me 'splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up:

JAMAICA

Amazing. God made some very clear comments to my heart. Not as clear as I'd like, but clear none-the-less. I had an amazing time despite sweating every moment of every day - including while I slept, ate, worked, and even showered. We're talking dripping down my back as I ate my tiny breakfast at 8 in the morning. Met amazing people who inspire me to follow God's leading and watch what happens, worked with kids who were so excited to hang on us and be loved by us that everything we did/said/showed them was an instant hit, painted, was exhausted, and bonded with some of the coolest students on the planet. Don't know when my next adventure will be, but even now thinking back on my experience there with God, I can't wait to see how He uses me next.

SUMMER DAY CAMP

The reason I never blogged about Jamaica. I came home, I rested for A day. I did enough laundry to get through the week. I worked countless hours making sure we were prepared for Day Camp. This was my life for the next 3 weeks. Oh, and prepping for the fall ministry year. Yeah, cuz there isn't too much to do for that, is there? No. Of course not, silly.

VACATION AT THE LAKE
My saving grace this summer. It was the thing I looked forward to most after Jamaica. It was my time for rest, for recovery, for revitalization. I went with my mom and spent 9 & 1/2 days walking, reading, sitting in the sun, eating junk (spoiled Americans), taking pictures of God's glorious creation, talking with my grandparents, and relaxing (what a concept). It was wonderful.

A DAY WITH THE KIDDOS

I spent my first day back from Minnesota with my brother's family - my beautiful niece, my two adorable nephews, the best sister-in-law a girl could ever hope for, and (one of) my sweet brother(s). Pictures, tickling, laughing, hugging, Elmo-and-silly-song watching joyfulness.

FALL PREP AT WORK and beyond...

Yup. It came fast, it came crazy, it came expected and yet unexpectedly busy for some reason. I have now begun as a leader with our youth group, my small group (which I am also leader of) has switched gears, and I have helped my friend get some of our church's singles events going. It's been amazing, but I have not had a free weekend since ... August 18th. I have been out of town with friends, family, other youth leaders.

Today, in the midst of the last week of September (what??? where did the time go??) I realized I hadn't written here since JULY. (#epicfail) The summary now complete, I vow to be more regular again. Last year was a sad showing. This year has been positively pitiful. Let's make it look a little better before it leaves us, shall we?

Until next time...what have you been up to since July?

decisions

wow. everything i can think to write right now has a negative spin on it. :( not good.

i have some BIG decisions in my life right now, and because i am waiting on God to guide me and am not yet sure what that means, i won't go into any details. suffice it to say it would be a big change in almost every way, and despite the things i am fearing, i also am very excited about it. i hope i can find some clarity and definitive answers soon so i can start "shouting from the mountaintops" as it were.

in the mean time sitting here, slogging through the day to day is getting rougher. it's harder to sit still. it's harder to keep going. to be motivated, internally or externally. i just want to sit outside in the fresh air, read books, listen to music, eat lunch with friends, talk about possibilities.

God, give me strength to keep doing what you've asked me to do - even for a time.
i just feel so ... restless.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (part last)

Today was the day.

Had the time to say what was needed.
God gave me the clarity (or enough) of words and thoughts.

I didn't lose it.

I was honest. I didn't sugar coat or leave anything out.
I know the only reason it went that well was because of all the people praying for us and our Amazing God who does it all.

I already feel the lifting of the burden. I know that going forward it will be better. I know I am truly valued. I know that I am worth working through things (and so is the other). It was difficult, but the frustration has lifted, and though I'm sure it will resurface at times, I know that I can bring it up and re-confront it more easily, and know that it is maintenance and something we both want to keep good. We are starting with a clean, forgiven slate, covered by love for each other (as sisters in Christ), and the Love that supports us above all else (God).

Today, I will go home feeling less burdened and stressed than I have in a long time.
Thanks be to God!

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 3)

I think today's the day.

Please be praying:
-clear thoughts (me)
-clear words (me)
-clear explanations and examples (me)
-understanding (other)
-listening ears (both)
-hearing heart (both)
-willingness to strive to make it better (both)

(and I don't wanna.)

edit: it's now 4:51 p.m. The conversation barely started. Then it was stopped. At the time, I was grateful for the respite, and the promise of tomorrow. I then (30 minutes later) realized I was running - even if not as far as usual. I decided to call a friend and ask her to pray that I was making the right decision. I went down. The decision was made for me. The other was gone. Now, I am frustrated. And irritated. Pray that tomorrow this will happen, regardless of feelings or emotions or lack of time. Pray for all the things listed above. With His help, I know I will be blameless and above reproach. With His help, I know I will have the strength to do this.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 2)

Well.

Today (unexpectedly) the process began.
And so far, there is concern for what could be said, and a desire (from the other party, as well as me) to have a good resolution, and make sure offense has not been caused (or taken). I told this person I was still thinking through everything in my head, and was not prepared to jump into the conversation (assuming I still think there needs to be one once I'm done thinking and praying about it) before I had time to really get through it all between myself and God. This positive (and slightly concerned) reaction makes me feel like it is worth attempting, but I really do strongly think that I need to finish really picking apart what is merely my mind issue and what needs to be addressed together. I even admitted that I would rather run away, but that I know that's not healthy for either of us(!).

I covet your prayers as I try to figure out the right way to move forward, and the timing of the conversation, and my words as they come out in the conversation. Pray also for the ears and heart that hear it (and mine, of course).

I thank my great God for His help in timing, and the very specific question I was asked that caused this start to the process. I don't honestly know if I would have started this (though I need to, and know it) without His push.

And we're off...

Conflict(s)... resolution...

What is your default?
Mine is to run away (avoid).
totally and completely.

and i have to stop that.
and it's hard.
and i don't want to (i want to run away from not running away).

and i know i should go bring it up.
regardless of what may happen (tears, frustration, etc. - or not).
and i don't want to.

but i think i have to.

Honestly

Honestly? I have a bad attitude.
Honestly? I need to adjust it.

But, I'm stuck. I can't get out.

Honestly, I'm feeling lonely.
Honestly, I'm feeling like a failure.
Honestly, I'm feeling like I don't succeed at anything I try to do.

I know in my head that this line of thinking is bad, and is wrong, but for some reason Satan is trying to get in and ruin something; but I don't know what, and I don't know why.

I have so many things on my mind right now, and I just can't seem to get it all organized. I seem to be stuck in crazy world with no time to sort anything out. I'm just whirling around in circles trying to remember stuff and keep it going.

And honestly, I'm failing.

I keep praying but I feel like it's just hitting the ceiling. "Lord, can you hear me?"

Honestly, I know that I need to keep praying.
Honestly, I know that I need to keep trusting.
Honestly, I know that whatever this is, it will pass.
Honestly, I know that without His help, my faith will fail. With His help it will grow stronger.

Honestly, I know that God is in control and is the One Who is keeping me going right now.

Because on my own, I'd just be in a ball on the floor in the corner.

Honestly? I hope this ends soon.
Honestly? I know it may not.
Honestly? I know that whatever comes, He is with me. Really with me. Not just words.

I am weak. So weak.
He is Strong.