Relationships and Change are Hard

This has been an interesting few days. I've been mulling some thoughts around since Thursday or Friday night last week, but today, during a staff prayer time, it was broadened a bit, but not in the usual way. More like, um, broadened in my mind. Much of the same, but more. That doesn't make much sense, but there you have it.

So. Over the weekend I had conversations with several friends unexpectedly about deeper things. Things that we feel "weird" about, things we are struggling with, things that are making day-to-day life harder than we think it should be. It was a wide range of topics and ranged from our professional to personal lives, as well as our external to our internal lives. The outcome of each was that we would be committed to praying each other through this week. (Thank the good Lord for Christian friends.)

On to today: I don't go to the prayer time every week (though I often wish I could find the time), but some weeks I can tell I need extra time in prayer - not for myself, but for others, and for the fellowship of other believers. And since I'm still fairly new (less than a year, yet) at this job and in this city, these are people I see around (some more than others) but don't necessarily interact with much, and especially not outside of work projects. Today, we talked about navigating times of grief and knowing and trusting that God is still good. Because he is. He really is. It's too easy to lose track of that when you're hurting. Duh. (Yes, I'm typing that.)

Sometimes grief is due to loss of life (in one way or another) - death of a loved one, or even disaster in a city or country. There are SO MANY stories in the news these days about explosions, murders, sex trafficking, lack of clean water, starvation, orphaned children, and the list just keeps going on. But today what struck me was that sometimes the grief we experience is due to smaller things. Things like finances, or relationships, or loneliness, or an overly full task list.

When we see these things in light of the catastrophes around the world, we often push our "little" things away as they aren't really that big of a deal. I'm alive, I have clean water and plenty of food, I have not been sold to slavery of any kind, I have people to lean on, and I am not afraid for my life every moment of the day. But even when we try to put these things into perspective (which is important), we still come out hurting. And sometimes, we push it down well enough that later it erupts and is (or feels) even worse than before.

I don't have a solution, except this: to pray. Pray for one another. Pray honestly, pray often. If you don't know details, that's ok. Pray for the person. Pray for peace, for dependence on God. You can pray that for anyone - a Christian to remember to do so; an unbeliever to turn to him, maybe for the first time. If you do know more details, pray specifically! Boldly ask God for things. Don't forget to pray for yourself as well. It is easy to get hung up there, so always remember to pray for others, but it is important to lift yourself up as well. It builds relationship with him, which is how we really are able to get through. It also helps your relationships with those around you. When you pray for someone it changes your perspective about them. It doesn't fix issues magically, and it may not mean you're besties-for-life now. In fact, you may never talk to them again (see: forgiveness doesn't mean you have to reconcile the relationship to what it was previously). But it does make things better for both of you, even if one of you doesn't know it (yet?).

And... pray for those you don't agree with, for those you don't respect, for those you don't like. If they are in your sphere of influence or interaction, even a little bit, pray for them. Rather than just getting irritated or confused or frustrated, pray! It will take more than that, of course, and you may still have frustration or confusion; conversations will need to happen and solutions found - even if they aren't what everyone wants. But without prayer it becomes 'my way' vs. 'their way' and we pit ourselves against each other when, in the end, we're trying to reach the same goal. (This is often true even if we aren't all Christians - if we're working together, there's a reason, and it usually has some common purpose even if we understand that purpose differently.) So keep on praying!

One more thought and then I'll stop... each time I encounter grief of any kind, a change has occurred. Or many changes have. Even if it is good, and it isn't always, something has been lost. I have found that even when it was something I may have wanted to lose, the loss of it is still jarring to my internal system/thinking and an adjustment has to be made - I grieve what I knew. That idea of grief is fairly new in my working consciousness, and I struggle to not just dismiss it. "I wanted this, what's wrong with me," is often what I hear myself or others saying when good change has happened and they aren't doing well with it. Of course, this is true in unexpected change or changes you weren't entirely sure about as well.

Don't underestimate your struggle. Don't overestimate it either. It's tempting to go one way or the other. Don't diminish, but do keep perspective. Most importantly: do keep praying.

This post is much (MUCH) longer than I anticipated. The following verse is my current email signature on my personal emails. Every time I send an email I'm reminded. I have it posted by my desk at work as well. Romans 12:12NLT says, "Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying." It's the best advice there is. Our confident hope is in Jesus Christ. He has won, so we can rely on him, talk to him, and have patience and yes, even joy.

On Weddings

(This is a bit heavy, especially for having not written since June…sorry in advance.)

If you’ve just stumbled on this blog, or it’s the first post you’ve ever actually read, or you just haven’t been in touch with me AT ALL in a very long time, know this: I’m single. As the day is long.

Most of the time, I’m ok with that. Most of the time, I’m super glad that I didn’t jump into a relationship/marriage/what-have-you and end up regretting it. I know I’m glad God saved me that heartache. I’m glad he has allowed me to become who I am – who I wouldn’t be if I had gotten married before now; if I had even been in a serious relationship before now.

But there’s a weird juxtaposition going on between being genuinely thankful for what God has done (and is doing) in my life right now, and where I still hope to be – and I’m not getting any younger. Some of you are chuckling now, because you’re older than me. Some of you are older and married, some are older and not married. Some of you tried that route and it hasn’t been good or didn’t end well one way or another. I hear you. But the truth is, I am (as we all are) getting older. And when that happens, and you’re a person who wishes to be married and hopes for children, there are thoughts that occur to you. They are not super fun.

Sometimes they’re just that – thoughts. You have them, you process them briefly, you move on, and that's enough. Sometimes, though, they get stuck in your brain and they start to monopolize the cells up there and keep you from moving on. Oh, sure, you can (mostly and usually) still function: get up in the morning, work, eat, exercise...but your brain is constantly playing the scenario of sad lonely single you in your head. And of course, it is always played against the people in your life who have what you want. You’re genuinely happy for them. You know their lives aren’t perfect. You know there are hard things and sometimes even horrible things that some of them are walking through at the moment. Still, they have joys you don’t have, and blessings you desire. And that’s hard.

This past weekend I was at a wedding. It was beautiful, it was joyful, and it was full of celebration. I am so happy for the bride and her groom. I pray for years of happiness, and that their marriage is truly fulfilling and that they are able to grow together as they grow older. I sat with my parents and grandmother for most of it (and I love them. I had no qualms about going into it that way. I knew I'd be with them). But on the day, I felt very alone. Why is that? Why could I not focus on the joy of the newlyweds? I mean, I did, but there was a constant tinge of sadness beneath it as well. I was (and maybe still am) grieving what I don’t have. Grieving and fearing that I may never have it.

I honestly pray that last line doesn’t come true. I ask (ok, sometimes it’s more like beg) God that he see fit to pair me with a spouse, that he let me be a mother, help make a home. But I can’t honestly say that I know if that’ll be true or not. I haven’t heard him make me any promises other than that I am his. And at the end of the world, that’s enough. It really is. And I know that in my head and in my heart – but right now, and for the past several weeks, and probably the next few as well, it doesn’t feel like enough. I feel incomplete and lonely. I feel left out. I feel unattractive, and like I must not be good enough for some reason (I could give you plenty, but I’ll spare you that part of my inner dialogue).

I don’t have any upswing at the end of this. I don’t feel like it’s that much of a downer, so I do apologize if that’s how it comes off to you. It’s just facts. It’s not happy, but it is factual. So, for now, that’s where I leave you. Learning to keep resting – intentionally – in what I know to be true, and trying to find a way to feel like that is truly enough.

Part of a Promise

I have finally had (read: taken) the time to process some of the Christmas/spiritual life thoughts I've been having lately. Because of that, what began as a short post on Facebook became this blog post. And as I wrote, it kept lengthening. But it's so good to think through these things - for me it helps them sink in better...and I need that!

I've been reading a daily devotional I received (thanks, Mom) that is designed to prepare you for the arrival of the Son of God through the month of December (Advent) through January 6 (Ephiphany). The reading from yesterday has stuck with me, especially as part of this past weekend's sermon echoed these thoughts as well.

WE are part of the story! WE are still receiving the blessing that resulted from the faith of those in the story we read. WE should be amazed and awed at the wonder God has shared with us and sing praises giving thanks to Him. For unto US a child was given, and He is our Savior and the Prince of Peace (paraphrased Isa. 9:6). Because of His birth, and our part in the prophecies foretold (which, incidentally is also because of His birth and our salvation through His death), WE (should) celebrate the glorious arrival of Jesus and His infinite wisdom, power, and love.

How can we just sit still? I mean, we don't really, but we do where it matters. I do! I am so tired from all the running around, the planning, the trying to be sure I haven't somehow left someone out or hurt them (how ridiculously far I over think this, few of you have any idea).

How do we not shout the news like the shepherds, or make the journey like the wise men? (This still makes me think of little Gladys Herdman: "Hey! Hey! Unto you a child is born!" When you haven't heard it before, it really means something, and it's worth shouting! People gotta know!)

How do we not trust like Joseph or wonder like Mary? I get so caught up in what I need to get done, or planning who to see and when (which is good, I grant you, but not enough), that I completely forget to TRUST God with the things that are stressing me out (today. this happened MULTIPLE TIMES - TODAY.) and I forget to wonder at the amazing story that He has given us, and made me part of when He made me His child!

I have always loved Christmas - just ask my mom. I love the seasons, the change, the beauty of each one, but winter is my favorite, and I know a lot of that is because of Christmas. The joy in the air, the family (both biological and chosen), time with friends, activities, and demonstrations of love through food, fun, gifts, laughter, and shared craziness - it is a wonderful thing. But often, I let the stress society (and myself) puts on it seep into my enjoyment. I let the stress of preparing to be away from work for a few days overshadow the joy and celebration of the season.

Then, today's reading spoke of mercy. The author describes mercy as "that which fulfills our heart's desire, that which gives purpose to our lives, that which also allows us not only to be loved, but also to love completely." While I'm not sure I agree with this definition 100%, I do love the perspective it gives and the direction it looks. Mercy from God is something that "always astonishes us." Or it should. Have you become accustomed to the mercy God grants? I pray it is not so! I pray you are always awestruck by the grace of God in granting His mercy to us. I hope that we are all astonished by the things God puts into our lives as He shows us His plan.

Lastly, the sermons at my church this month (first 3 weeks of December, anyway) have been about the 3 great blessings that are ours because of Christmas: Joy, Peace, and Hope (you can listen to the sermons here). I cannot tell you how much a blessing these have been to me these past couple weekends, and how much I am looking forward to this coming one! What gifts. Joy inexplicable! Peace that calms the soul. Hope that looks up and out and forward. Glorious Savior indeed!

Now, go enjoy your Christmas, and don't let the stress in - let HIM in!

Because of Christ, I live.

This morning, I think of this verse in one of my favorite books of the Bible:

Philippians 3:8-12 (ESV)
"Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which comes through faith in Christ, the righteousness from God that depends on faith - that I may know him and the power of his resurrection, and may share his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, that by any means possible I may attain the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own."

Because of Christ, I can be made whole. Because of Christ, I can be righteous. There is power in the resurrection. There is peace. There is joy.

In the quiet this morning, I feel the exhaustion of a week spent doing extra, thinking extra, and sleeping less. I feel the weight of responsibility for what we will do at church again this morning. I
am tired from a busy week, and even more tired thinking of the things that have yet to be done today.  I look forward to serving the families that attend our church this morning. I look forward to celebrating with my family later today. I look forward to resting tomorrow.

BUT, more than all that, I am thankful that my Savior defeated death once for all, and because of that I can and will rejoice for all eternity in His presence. That is truly amazing. 

So now, this morning, as I rush off to a busy Easter day serving and celebrating, I leave you with these words from Ephesians...

Ephesians 1:3-10 (ESV)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love he predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth."

Crumble

What do you do when everything crumbles around you?

I have a tendency to crumble with it. Not right away, not quickly, but I do indeed crumble. There have been a few times that things were built back up fast enough that I did not fall before it was resurrected. Usually, though, even if it's briefly, I crack. I find myself in a real struggle mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually - though I don't always recognize that part of it.

So what do you do? How do you keep going and not just sit at home moping or crying or hiding from everything and everyone? Well, for me, it's often found in music. Which then leads me to Scripture, which is the spoken Word from God to me. (!) And of course, the best place to go is God - so even though I pray a lot through whatever circumstance I find myself in, the

music --> Scripture --> God's heart 

is the path that takes me outside my own head and realigns me with the One who can not only sort it out, but make it worth it.

Today, the song thankfully stuck in my head is Everything Falls by Fee. Specifically repeating:

You said You'd never leave or forsake me
When you said, this life is gonna shake me
...
There will be storms in this life
But I know You will overcome, you have overcome
...
When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong, You keep holding on

God is, indeed, good.  And the best place to begin rebuilding is worship.

Maybe

Maybe is a powerful word.

There are so many possibilities in "maybe."
Possibilities for success, for failure, for something new, for no change at all. Possibilities for new relationships to be made, new skills to be learned, new experiences, new places to see. There are (of course) also many unknowns.

Maybe is not a decision. Maybe is the in-between your "yes" or "no." Maybe is the gray area. Maybe is your thought process; or your procrastination.

There may be a change coming in my life. Oh, who am I kidding? Change is happening all around. There are changes at work, changes at home, changes in relationships, changes in plans; this is nothing new.

But some changes are larger and newer and more unknown than others. That is the kind that "may be" coming my way. It is simultaneously exciting and terrifying, but I figure that's how I know I'm within God's will. If it was too easy, or too hard, I'd be outside those bounds - and that's never a good place to be.

I can't give any details, of course, because the "maybe" is still too large, too unknown, too... "may be." Just knowing it's a possibility though, (and likely one that will encompass all the variety of ways a "maybe" can come to fruition) has me on the edge of my seat, waiting - impatiently - to see what God will do next.

In the midst of the craziness...

there is hope. there is friendship. there is (astonishingly) peace.

when you feel like things are at their worst, and you stop, and you pray, it is amazing what can happen. when you actually let go and let God - wow.

He puts friends around you just when you need them. He listens when you pray for each other. He gives you the strength you need to get through each situation. He brings help when you think you've reached the end of the line.

the most important thing to remember: He's got it all in hand; not one detail overlooked - and that is something that makes Him worthy of all our praise.

don't forget it.