Thinking Deeply: Purpose

In the last couple days I’ve come to the recognition/decision that I don’t spend enough time thinking anymore. Which is weird because I think a lot. I overthink, I plan, and I process things to death. I had a meeting with some of my colleagues on Tuesday, which has been followed by some interactions with articles shared by people from that meeting on a web based (for lack of a better term) chat we are doing together.

Typically, when I blog, I feel much better because I’ve taken the time to put into coherent words things that have been rolling around in my head for a while – several days at least. This time, it’s been only a day and a half since this thought process began. It’s been busy at work (as always) and to be honest I feel a bit guilty about spending time reading and thinking when I have tasks to do. But these thought times are what makes my mind work better, my decisions be faster and more accurate for situations, and begin me on the road to innovating better solutions so I can be more productive in my job and in my life. So it’s not actually a waste of time, even if I feel that way. (note to self…)

I have also been wrestling for about the last month with a large (and daunting) question: Am I really supposed to have a career as an admin? That’s where I’m headed, and I have many skills that make it seem like the right choice, but it is also very stressful to me, even in the best of times. So when you through curves (which of course happens everywhere, and always more frequently than I’d like) the stress just doubles and triples with hardly a backward glance. I honestly don't know if it is the right life-goal for me or not. It may be, but if it is, I have many things I need to learn (either really learn, or learn to cope with).

Part of the “problem” is that I’m too emotional. Word it how you like, but I don’t have the time right now to rethink that bit. I invest much of my emotional energy into everything (ok, 99% of what) I do. Due to this fact, I am almost always drained after work. Even if it was the best day ever, I am not energized, I am exhausted. That isn’t bad, but most people I interact with seem to be the opposite. When they accomplish something they could follow it up by running a marathon. I feel the exhilaration, but it takes it out of me. Yes, hello, my name is Kara, and I am indeed an introvert.

I have learned fairly well in my 33 years ways to counteract this, and how to cope (mostly, and so far at least, I’m quite sure there is much more to be learned). I go through phases of wishing I was more like “everybody” else (knowing that’s not actually accurate), and being super glad I am the way I am – after all, it’s how God made me.

That being said, I have started to try to analyze myself and whether or not I should have an administrative position. What is it that stresses me out? I can manage many tasks and prioritize them, and accomplish them in an appropriate amount of time. Everyone I’ve worked with or for up to this point (8 years so far in this field) has given me high praise for being high capacity and detail-oriented, which is very true. I tell people often in conversations regarding such things that I am not good at vision – coming up with the big picture. But if I am given the end goal, the picture you want to see, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I can see most (if not all) of the pillars and detours and threats that hold up, detract from, or completely derail the train to get there. That is a really good thing, but it also frequently annoys the visionaries because it also points out inconsistencies or incomplete information in their dream. I love dreams. I have many. But mine get derailed faster because I see the issues and simply don’t start. Not good. Some I pursue, but I get overwhelmed and they get stalled.

Ok. So, when I take time to pick something apart, it can be really good or really unhelpful. However, being wired and being raised in a family who thinks deeply, widely, and frequently, I always feel most alive when I’m processing something that makes a difference – for my work/company, for people I care about, or for myself. Of course, that means I have to come up with a plan of action too, because thinking about stuff and never acting is exactly the definition of a stagnant life.

One article that was shared out of my colleague group this week began with a couple questions – right in the introduction:

"Will you join us on this journey of taking ownership of our lives rather than being victims to it? Will you become one of the people who do beautiful, amazing things with your life?"

What a punch. Right from the off.

Do I think of my life as just something that happens to me? I don’t think I’d say that, but I also clearly hate change while still understanding it is necessary and good. I choose change too! I chose to move to another state. I chose to start a new job. I chose to be an admin, at least for now. Often, smaller changes, like starting projects at home, or dying my hair feel much less heavy. My hair will grow, so if I don’t like it, time will give me another go. It’s just hair. My project at home may take longer, or may end up being abandoned, but it’s worth a try. But bigger changes feel more permanent. Why is that?

The article includes 5 principles, all written in sections. I believe they were blog posts to begin with so they were posted at least days apart if not a week or so. The first section/principle is literally this: “You were designed to change.” It’s about 2½ pages about the good of change, and why we feel we can’t do it, as well as some explanation that God created us that way. But.

“...nobody changes at all if they don’t believe they’re supposed to.

So here’s the question: Do you believe you were designed to change? And if so, what’s stopping you? I mean that literally. What’s stopping you from changing?”

I don’t have an answer to that yet. I am still ruminating. I keep finding more articles, on seemingly different topics, that are relating exactly to my mind and heart right now. I have more processing to do before I share more, (if I remember to do that), but I’m finding encouragement in those things right now. You can too.

For now, I will dedicate time each week, working up to each day, to spend time thinking. Some days I will also process by writing. Others, I won’t. My hope is that it helps me to keep learning and growing and to not lose sight of who I am and who I want to be by being weighed down in my day-to-day tasks and responsibilities. My calling is higher than getting through the work week. I’m thankful today for that realization.

Here are the articles currently rolling around together in my brain:

• Emergent Productivity
• Start Life Over
• When I Fear the Future

On Weddings

(This is a bit heavy, especially for having not written since June…sorry in advance.)

If you’ve just stumbled on this blog, or it’s the first post you’ve ever actually read, or you just haven’t been in touch with me AT ALL in a very long time, know this: I’m single. As the day is long.

Most of the time, I’m ok with that. Most of the time, I’m super glad that I didn’t jump into a relationship/marriage/what-have-you and end up regretting it. I know I’m glad God saved me that heartache. I’m glad he has allowed me to become who I am – who I wouldn’t be if I had gotten married before now; if I had even been in a serious relationship before now.

But there’s a weird juxtaposition going on between being genuinely thankful for what God has done (and is doing) in my life right now, and where I still hope to be – and I’m not getting any younger. Some of you are chuckling now, because you’re older than me. Some of you are older and married, some are older and not married. Some of you tried that route and it hasn’t been good or didn’t end well one way or another. I hear you. But the truth is, I am (as we all are) getting older. And when that happens, and you’re a person who wishes to be married and hopes for children, there are thoughts that occur to you. They are not super fun.

Sometimes they’re just that – thoughts. You have them, you process them briefly, you move on, and that's enough. Sometimes, though, they get stuck in your brain and they start to monopolize the cells up there and keep you from moving on. Oh, sure, you can (mostly and usually) still function: get up in the morning, work, eat, exercise...but your brain is constantly playing the scenario of sad lonely single you in your head. And of course, it is always played against the people in your life who have what you want. You’re genuinely happy for them. You know their lives aren’t perfect. You know there are hard things and sometimes even horrible things that some of them are walking through at the moment. Still, they have joys you don’t have, and blessings you desire. And that’s hard.

This past weekend I was at a wedding. It was beautiful, it was joyful, and it was full of celebration. I am so happy for the bride and her groom. I pray for years of happiness, and that their marriage is truly fulfilling and that they are able to grow together as they grow older. I sat with my parents and grandmother for most of it (and I love them. I had no qualms about going into it that way. I knew I'd be with them). But on the day, I felt very alone. Why is that? Why could I not focus on the joy of the newlyweds? I mean, I did, but there was a constant tinge of sadness beneath it as well. I was (and maybe still am) grieving what I don’t have. Grieving and fearing that I may never have it.

I honestly pray that last line doesn’t come true. I ask (ok, sometimes it’s more like beg) God that he see fit to pair me with a spouse, that he let me be a mother, help make a home. But I can’t honestly say that I know if that’ll be true or not. I haven’t heard him make me any promises other than that I am his. And at the end of the world, that’s enough. It really is. And I know that in my head and in my heart – but right now, and for the past several weeks, and probably the next few as well, it doesn’t feel like enough. I feel incomplete and lonely. I feel left out. I feel unattractive, and like I must not be good enough for some reason (I could give you plenty, but I’ll spare you that part of my inner dialogue).

I don’t have any upswing at the end of this. I don’t feel like it’s that much of a downer, so I do apologize if that’s how it comes off to you. It’s just facts. It’s not happy, but it is factual. So, for now, that’s where I leave you. Learning to keep resting – intentionally – in what I know to be true, and trying to find a way to feel like that is truly enough.

On Marriage (& Singleness)

I am a single girl in her early thirties. I have many friends in each demographic, though admittedly, most are in the realm of a decade more or less than myself in terms of age. Lately, I have been thinking about singleness and "the Singles" quite a bit; how (the royal) we are treated in the church vs. in the world, how we think about one another, how we think about marriage. I have been through many emotions - anger, fear, jealousy, loneliness, relief, apathy, and yes, happiness - in the past few months with regards to this area of my life.

I started writing about it as far as it relates to the church, but haven't had time to really flesh out my thoughts. The general overview is that most people, married and single alike, tend to view church as a large dating pool for singles. Once you have a husband or, especially, kids, church becomes a different, purposeful place (usually). But for the single male or female, it's where you hunt for an acceptable spouse. This is damaging in so many ways. I have had mental, emotional, and even spiritual anguish in the past few years because of the way I've been spoken to, the off-handed comments to the deeper discussions, that assume I'm not a whole person because I'm not a wife.

I am whole. God loves me, Jesus saved me, the Spirit guides me. I. Am. Whole.

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married, to be a mom. I pray for my future husband (oops, see that? I'm doing it to myself...) and (here we go again) children. I sincerely hope that those people are in my future, and believe that it is good to pray for them - even if I never meet them. I have a desire for them that I can't explain. But I know people I love who had (or still have, possibly) that desire, and yet it has never happened for them. I hesitate to just drop my desire in the misquoted "God will grant you the desires of your heart" we're all so fond of in the church (in general). That isn't even the actual meaning of that verse - do your research (it's Psalm 37:4). Still, why do I feel so strongly if it is never going to happen?

I spend more time than I'd like to admit wondering about these things, but it has dropped off lately. Then today, I came across a video from someone I sometimes watch on YouTube: Michael Aranda. He's not a Christian (as far as I know or can tell), he's 27 years old, and a lot of what he (very honestly) says resonated with me strongly. It struck me because he's much the opposite of me (a non-Christian guy) but I expect things much the way he does.



This made me think, once again, about my own thoughts, my own dreams, my own expectations; how have I set myself up to ruin potential relationships - or even the friendships I have had? How have I set myself up for unrealistic expectations and what impact could that have on any future relationship I might have? It's a little fairly daunting.

The thing is, I don't know if I have a right to even ask myself some of those questions. My life is full. I have family I love and get along with well - even extended family, and even if I see them once every 5 years or so. I have friends to geek out with over Doctor Who and Sherlock and Psych and NCIS. I have other friends who are so close that they are my "chosen" family - they are the ones who see me the most raw and the most honest, the most often. I have prayer warriors. I have encouragers. I even have kids in my life! A niece and 3 nephews who are adorable, hilarious, crazy little people - and they love me right back, even if it's been a while since I've seen them. These are huge blessings.

The pressure of society to be married doesn't really start the same time as the church. At church, it feels weird (in my experience) once you're 23-24 and not married, or at least in a serious enough relationship to expect engagement. Society doesn't seem to have an issue as much until you're hitting your thirties or so, but it's the same force weighing down unless you can really convince someone that it's not something you want. People say all kinds of stuff to help make you feel better or give advice. You get "oh, it'll happen, don't worry," and "stop looking, he'll show up," and "you just haven't been out enough yet." At church it's, "Maybe God's still working on him," and "I'll be praying for you." I've also often heard "Be glad you're still single," and "enjoy your singleness, because marriage is so hard, you have no idea." All of these things are said most often with the deepest level of sincerity, helpfulness and kindness, and I don't discount that. But it implies that I'm missing something, or that I am not good enough ... even if it's not yet. For someone who struggles with self-esteem already (thanks again, society and sin), this is so far from helpful.

I am good enough - but only because God made me. And it's not "good enough for a husband" but just good enough as a person. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only me, and I'm His.

Also, I feel like I have to say this, to be very clear: I know marriage isn't a fix-all for the single life. But marriage isn't the only hard life either. We all have struggles and temptations and relationships to deal with and live through together. We can certainly talk with each other - but KNOW the person you're talking with well enough to know when to stop, and how to say it, and even if you should.

I have so many more thoughts rolling around, but this post has already gotten much longer than I initially intended, and the rest is even less cohesive. So for now, if you're single, check where your worth and your thoughts lie, gauge your motivation and your expectations, and don't set up the perfect marriage as the goal of your life. If you're married, be very careful how you say what you say, because we know you love us, and want us to be happy like you are (or happier than you are), but it is very easy to say hurtful things when they aren't meant that way. For all of us: we ought to be excited with and for each other in each step through life, supporting one another fully, and not putting our own expectations onto anyone else.

My prayer is that God will grant us the graciousness and wisdom to deal with each other, and trust Him in every circumstance and relationship. ;)