On Marriage (& Singleness)

I am a single girl in her early thirties. I have many friends in each demographic, though admittedly, most are in the realm of a decade more or less than myself in terms of age. Lately, I have been thinking about singleness and "the Singles" quite a bit; how (the royal) we are treated in the church vs. in the world, how we think about one another, how we think about marriage. I have been through many emotions - anger, fear, jealousy, loneliness, relief, apathy, and yes, happiness - in the past few months with regards to this area of my life.

I started writing about it as far as it relates to the church, but haven't had time to really flesh out my thoughts. The general overview is that most people, married and single alike, tend to view church as a large dating pool for singles. Once you have a husband or, especially, kids, church becomes a different, purposeful place (usually). But for the single male or female, it's where you hunt for an acceptable spouse. This is damaging in so many ways. I have had mental, emotional, and even spiritual anguish in the past few years because of the way I've been spoken to, the off-handed comments to the deeper discussions, that assume I'm not a whole person because I'm not a wife.

I am whole. God loves me, Jesus saved me, the Spirit guides me. I. Am. Whole.

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married, to be a mom. I pray for my future husband (oops, see that? I'm doing it to myself...) and (here we go again) children. I sincerely hope that those people are in my future, and believe that it is good to pray for them - even if I never meet them. I have a desire for them that I can't explain. But I know people I love who had (or still have, possibly) that desire, and yet it has never happened for them. I hesitate to just drop my desire in the misquoted "God will grant you the desires of your heart" we're all so fond of in the church (in general). That isn't even the actual meaning of that verse - do your research (it's Psalm 37:4). Still, why do I feel so strongly if it is never going to happen?

I spend more time than I'd like to admit wondering about these things, but it has dropped off lately. Then today, I came across a video from someone I sometimes watch on YouTube: Michael Aranda. He's not a Christian (as far as I know or can tell), he's 27 years old, and a lot of what he (very honestly) says resonated with me strongly. It struck me because he's much the opposite of me (a non-Christian guy) but I expect things much the way he does.



This made me think, once again, about my own thoughts, my own dreams, my own expectations; how have I set myself up to ruin potential relationships - or even the friendships I have had? How have I set myself up for unrealistic expectations and what impact could that have on any future relationship I might have? It's a little fairly daunting.

The thing is, I don't know if I have a right to even ask myself some of those questions. My life is full. I have family I love and get along with well - even extended family, and even if I see them once every 5 years or so. I have friends to geek out with over Doctor Who and Sherlock and Psych and NCIS. I have other friends who are so close that they are my "chosen" family - they are the ones who see me the most raw and the most honest, the most often. I have prayer warriors. I have encouragers. I even have kids in my life! A niece and 3 nephews who are adorable, hilarious, crazy little people - and they love me right back, even if it's been a while since I've seen them. These are huge blessings.

The pressure of society to be married doesn't really start the same time as the church. At church, it feels weird (in my experience) once you're 23-24 and not married, or at least in a serious enough relationship to expect engagement. Society doesn't seem to have an issue as much until you're hitting your thirties or so, but it's the same force weighing down unless you can really convince someone that it's not something you want. People say all kinds of stuff to help make you feel better or give advice. You get "oh, it'll happen, don't worry," and "stop looking, he'll show up," and "you just haven't been out enough yet." At church it's, "Maybe God's still working on him," and "I'll be praying for you." I've also often heard "Be glad you're still single," and "enjoy your singleness, because marriage is so hard, you have no idea." All of these things are said most often with the deepest level of sincerity, helpfulness and kindness, and I don't discount that. But it implies that I'm missing something, or that I am not good enough ... even if it's not yet. For someone who struggles with self-esteem already (thanks again, society and sin), this is so far from helpful.

I am good enough - but only because God made me. And it's not "good enough for a husband" but just good enough as a person. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only me, and I'm His.

Also, I feel like I have to say this, to be very clear: I know marriage isn't a fix-all for the single life. But marriage isn't the only hard life either. We all have struggles and temptations and relationships to deal with and live through together. We can certainly talk with each other - but KNOW the person you're talking with well enough to know when to stop, and how to say it, and even if you should.

I have so many more thoughts rolling around, but this post has already gotten much longer than I initially intended, and the rest is even less cohesive. So for now, if you're single, check where your worth and your thoughts lie, gauge your motivation and your expectations, and don't set up the perfect marriage as the goal of your life. If you're married, be very careful how you say what you say, because we know you love us, and want us to be happy like you are (or happier than you are), but it is very easy to say hurtful things when they aren't meant that way. For all of us: we ought to be excited with and for each other in each step through life, supporting one another fully, and not putting our own expectations onto anyone else.

My prayer is that God will grant us the graciousness and wisdom to deal with each other, and trust Him in every circumstance and relationship. ;)

basics

Came across this article yesterday thanks to a former teacher/coach (thanks Walsh). Here are a couple things that really resonated with me:

"... we need to go back to the basics of living as disciples of Christ, living missionally for Christ and demonstrating the Gospel in tangible ways within our schools, workplaces and communities."

"... the fight over symbolic issues is backfiring, alienating people from the truths of the gospel rather than attracting them to it. The kind of Christianity the world responds to is the authentic "love your neighbor" kind. Its appeal can't be legislated through court battles and neither can courts stop its spread."

I'm still stewing on how this comes out and how to make it not just "good thoughts" in my head, but truth, Christ in action.

I read some debate about it where he had posted it and it was really good to get me beyond just thinking it was interesting and moving on with my day. I have some changing to do. Hope it gets you thinking too.

Missing Pieces

I've been missing... sorry about that. Let me 'splain. No. There is too much. Let me sum up:

JAMAICA

Amazing. God made some very clear comments to my heart. Not as clear as I'd like, but clear none-the-less. I had an amazing time despite sweating every moment of every day - including while I slept, ate, worked, and even showered. We're talking dripping down my back as I ate my tiny breakfast at 8 in the morning. Met amazing people who inspire me to follow God's leading and watch what happens, worked with kids who were so excited to hang on us and be loved by us that everything we did/said/showed them was an instant hit, painted, was exhausted, and bonded with some of the coolest students on the planet. Don't know when my next adventure will be, but even now thinking back on my experience there with God, I can't wait to see how He uses me next.

SUMMER DAY CAMP

The reason I never blogged about Jamaica. I came home, I rested for A day. I did enough laundry to get through the week. I worked countless hours making sure we were prepared for Day Camp. This was my life for the next 3 weeks. Oh, and prepping for the fall ministry year. Yeah, cuz there isn't too much to do for that, is there? No. Of course not, silly.

VACATION AT THE LAKE
My saving grace this summer. It was the thing I looked forward to most after Jamaica. It was my time for rest, for recovery, for revitalization. I went with my mom and spent 9 & 1/2 days walking, reading, sitting in the sun, eating junk (spoiled Americans), taking pictures of God's glorious creation, talking with my grandparents, and relaxing (what a concept). It was wonderful.

A DAY WITH THE KIDDOS

I spent my first day back from Minnesota with my brother's family - my beautiful niece, my two adorable nephews, the best sister-in-law a girl could ever hope for, and (one of) my sweet brother(s). Pictures, tickling, laughing, hugging, Elmo-and-silly-song watching joyfulness.

FALL PREP AT WORK and beyond...

Yup. It came fast, it came crazy, it came expected and yet unexpectedly busy for some reason. I have now begun as a leader with our youth group, my small group (which I am also leader of) has switched gears, and I have helped my friend get some of our church's singles events going. It's been amazing, but I have not had a free weekend since ... August 18th. I have been out of town with friends, family, other youth leaders.

Today, in the midst of the last week of September (what??? where did the time go??) I realized I hadn't written here since JULY. (#epicfail) The summary now complete, I vow to be more regular again. Last year was a sad showing. This year has been positively pitiful. Let's make it look a little better before it leaves us, shall we?

Until next time...what have you been up to since July?

What God will do...

There's this strange sensation I get when, in life, I'm coming up to something out-of-the-ordinary. Its almost like I'm just an observer of the moments passing by. My body goes through the motions, I think through and do what must be done, but it often feels almost surreal.

For example, when going on vacation, my mind starts lists. Lists of work to be done before I'm gone for a week, lists of things to buy, lists of things to pack. Lists of things to wash, snacks to pick up, projects to complete. These lists don't stop growing as i do them either. Its usually about the day or two before leaving that I finally finish making lists; sometimes I have completed them by that time too, if I'm lucky.

But the whole count down is in this strange slow-fast motion type pace. It feels simultaneously as if it will never come, and as though there cannot possibly be enough time to get done all the things that need doing.

Then, suddenly, its the night before. Everything is packed, bought, prepared, thought through. I go through the motions: suitcase, backpack, water bottle, keys by the door. Oh, and shoes. And a sweatshirt, just in case. I get ready for bed, double-checking that everything at home is cleaned up, in its place. It takes what seems like forever, but I finally fall asleep.

In the morning, I do what needs doing. I get ready, I eat breakfast, drink some coffee. Pack the car. If I'm working before heading out, the day is always surreal as well. Tying up loose ends: those known and unknown. And then it happens. I'm off. I'm free.

I try to be mentally present wherever I am. I try to thoroughly enjoy my time - whether alone, or with friends or family. I create fond memories, escape into books, take walks, listen to music, take pictures, listen to music, admire God's amazing creation. If its not just vacation, i pour myself into the tasks at hand joyfully and always am blessed with the company, the work, and those served.

All too soon, I am heading home. Once there I sleep and do laundry and try to be ready for "normal" when it comes again the next day. Inevitably, about midway through the normal routine that week back, I realize that I feel almost like the adventure happened to someone else - like i just read about it, a character in a book, instead of my own experiences. I have memories, pictures, journal entries that prove otherwise, but it feels like a story.

I don't understand that.

This morning, I will be at my church at 4:15 am to leave with a youth missions trip (I'm a leader...) for Jamaica. We'll be there for 8 days. We have some ideas about what we may do there but have also been advised to expect "nothing but for God to work through us," and "organized chaos."

The only big thing I'm really nervous about is the people I'm going with that I don't know. There are 30 of us - and 4 leaders. I know the other 3 leaders. Now, of course, I've met most of the students. A few are very talkative and sweet, and all are very welcoming. I know in my head that it'll be great, and we'll all get to know each other. But I guess I find it a little odd that this is my biggest concern. Of course, I've been praying for all aspects of the trip: safety, travel, God to move, unity, etc., but none of those things are weighing on me. I know God is and will be faithful to us in these regards. And of course, I know He'll carry my little introverted and shy self through and bring me out with new and deepened friendships, but there you go. My own personal prayer request for the next 9 days.

In just a few hours, I'll be boarding the first plane of the day. I sort of hate very much taking off and landing - though I've never had a really bad experience. By the end of the day, I'll be in a country I've never been in before, starting a new experience in my service to God.

I am nervous about a few things, but mostly (and most importantly), I am excited. I know God has brought me to this and made it all possible for me to go. All praise and glory to Him.

I can't wait to see what He does.

Seriously?!

I am a Christian. I stand solidly on the foundation of God and faith in Him. I am not ashamed (2 Tim. 2:15). This is important in light of what I'm about to share.

Today on my way to work, I came up behind someone who had one of those "I'm making a statement" sticker things on the back of their car. Usually it's the "Peace" one with all the different worldviews represented, or something from a kid's school (or their university), or those images of their family. Or opinions on the government: who they support(ed), go army, quit army, etc. Or 26.2 or 13.1. They are noticeable, they make a statement, they are not something i dwell on, but it is interesting to see what people want you to know about them.

This was like those, but not. Oh, so very not. It was huge, round, and white. It sort of looked home made. It covered at least a quarter of the back of the van. It said, in very large, handwritten letters, "Islam is Evil."

My heart almost stopped. "Oh my word," I thought. "That- wow. Wow! I'm actually offended by that! That is SO not the way to make your opinion known!" Now, of course, being a Christian, I think that those who are Muslims don't have it right in terms of eternity, who God is, and how we can be saved. That said, I whole-heartedly believe that the way to help another person transition in life from whatever it is they believe that is wrong (whether they be muslim, atheist, christian, buddhist, or anything else) is NOT in bashing what they believe! It comes through relationship, it comes through God working in their hearts and minds, it comes through conversation, through care - real, honest, truthful care of the PERSON. Each individual has a different spin on what they believe. That's how our minds work, and our hearts too.

The other part that breaks my heart is that it is often these types of bashers who are what the world sees as Christians. When I tell someone new that I'm a Christian, I can almost see them cringe as they think to themselves, "oh, she's one of those... well, I guess I'll put up with it today, but then, forget it." And I feel this immense pressure to out-live or over-live what they expect - the crazy, you're-going-to hell-you-awful-person-you, I'm-better-than-you-because-I-found-God - that just shouldn't be ANYONE's first impression of God (because that's what we are, folks, if we're Christians).

That's all I have to say right now. There's more rolling around up in my head, but I don't have the time to flesh it all out at the moment (it is a workday after all). Maybe I'll get it out this weekend.

In the mean time, let's all be truthful (I don't go for the "inclusion-of-all" thing) but let's not bash people with it, ok?