Thinking Deeply: Purpose

In the last couple days I’ve come to the recognition/decision that I don’t spend enough time thinking anymore. Which is weird because I think a lot. I overthink, I plan, and I process things to death. I had a meeting with some of my colleagues on Tuesday, which has been followed by some interactions with articles shared by people from that meeting on a web based (for lack of a better term) chat we are doing together.

Typically, when I blog, I feel much better because I’ve taken the time to put into coherent words things that have been rolling around in my head for a while – several days at least. This time, it’s been only a day and a half since this thought process began. It’s been busy at work (as always) and to be honest I feel a bit guilty about spending time reading and thinking when I have tasks to do. But these thought times are what makes my mind work better, my decisions be faster and more accurate for situations, and begin me on the road to innovating better solutions so I can be more productive in my job and in my life. So it’s not actually a waste of time, even if I feel that way. (note to self…)

I have also been wrestling for about the last month with a large (and daunting) question: Am I really supposed to have a career as an admin? That’s where I’m headed, and I have many skills that make it seem like the right choice, but it is also very stressful to me, even in the best of times. So when you through curves (which of course happens everywhere, and always more frequently than I’d like) the stress just doubles and triples with hardly a backward glance. I honestly don't know if it is the right life-goal for me or not. It may be, but if it is, I have many things I need to learn (either really learn, or learn to cope with).

Part of the “problem” is that I’m too emotional. Word it how you like, but I don’t have the time right now to rethink that bit. I invest much of my emotional energy into everything (ok, 99% of what) I do. Due to this fact, I am almost always drained after work. Even if it was the best day ever, I am not energized, I am exhausted. That isn’t bad, but most people I interact with seem to be the opposite. When they accomplish something they could follow it up by running a marathon. I feel the exhilaration, but it takes it out of me. Yes, hello, my name is Kara, and I am indeed an introvert.

I have learned fairly well in my 33 years ways to counteract this, and how to cope (mostly, and so far at least, I’m quite sure there is much more to be learned). I go through phases of wishing I was more like “everybody” else (knowing that’s not actually accurate), and being super glad I am the way I am – after all, it’s how God made me.

That being said, I have started to try to analyze myself and whether or not I should have an administrative position. What is it that stresses me out? I can manage many tasks and prioritize them, and accomplish them in an appropriate amount of time. Everyone I’ve worked with or for up to this point (8 years so far in this field) has given me high praise for being high capacity and detail-oriented, which is very true. I tell people often in conversations regarding such things that I am not good at vision – coming up with the big picture. But if I am given the end goal, the picture you want to see, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I can see most (if not all) of the pillars and detours and threats that hold up, detract from, or completely derail the train to get there. That is a really good thing, but it also frequently annoys the visionaries because it also points out inconsistencies or incomplete information in their dream. I love dreams. I have many. But mine get derailed faster because I see the issues and simply don’t start. Not good. Some I pursue, but I get overwhelmed and they get stalled.

Ok. So, when I take time to pick something apart, it can be really good or really unhelpful. However, being wired and being raised in a family who thinks deeply, widely, and frequently, I always feel most alive when I’m processing something that makes a difference – for my work/company, for people I care about, or for myself. Of course, that means I have to come up with a plan of action too, because thinking about stuff and never acting is exactly the definition of a stagnant life.

One article that was shared out of my colleague group this week began with a couple questions – right in the introduction:

"Will you join us on this journey of taking ownership of our lives rather than being victims to it? Will you become one of the people who do beautiful, amazing things with your life?"

What a punch. Right from the off.

Do I think of my life as just something that happens to me? I don’t think I’d say that, but I also clearly hate change while still understanding it is necessary and good. I choose change too! I chose to move to another state. I chose to start a new job. I chose to be an admin, at least for now. Often, smaller changes, like starting projects at home, or dying my hair feel much less heavy. My hair will grow, so if I don’t like it, time will give me another go. It’s just hair. My project at home may take longer, or may end up being abandoned, but it’s worth a try. But bigger changes feel more permanent. Why is that?

The article includes 5 principles, all written in sections. I believe they were blog posts to begin with so they were posted at least days apart if not a week or so. The first section/principle is literally this: “You were designed to change.” It’s about 2½ pages about the good of change, and why we feel we can’t do it, as well as some explanation that God created us that way. But.

“...nobody changes at all if they don’t believe they’re supposed to.

So here’s the question: Do you believe you were designed to change? And if so, what’s stopping you? I mean that literally. What’s stopping you from changing?”

I don’t have an answer to that yet. I am still ruminating. I keep finding more articles, on seemingly different topics, that are relating exactly to my mind and heart right now. I have more processing to do before I share more, (if I remember to do that), but I’m finding encouragement in those things right now. You can too.

For now, I will dedicate time each week, working up to each day, to spend time thinking. Some days I will also process by writing. Others, I won’t. My hope is that it helps me to keep learning and growing and to not lose sight of who I am and who I want to be by being weighed down in my day-to-day tasks and responsibilities. My calling is higher than getting through the work week. I’m thankful today for that realization.

Here are the articles currently rolling around together in my brain:

• Emergent Productivity
• Start Life Over
• When I Fear the Future

Therapy, in written form

I've been reading a lot lately. I made a goal this year, not for how many books to read, but to track them. So far, I've read 25, and I'm already in the midst of 5 more. (Yay.) It has been wonderful to come home and relax with a book, and still have a sense of moving toward completing a goal!

I have not, however, been writing much - here, or anywhere else. I have about 5 "starters" in my files of novels and short stories, and even one of poems. I have shared pieces here and there over the past couple years, but short of a couple poems and 2 short stories, I haven't finished anything else. One of my dear friends has read most of what I've written, and she keeps encouraging me to finish the one she likes best - the one I've got the shortest start on! ;) I have many ideas, and while I admit that some of those starters will never be finished, and will never see the light of day, a couple of them have real promise if I can convince myself to keep working on them. Even as I type this, there are ideas filling up my mind for turning the one short story into a novel (or a novella, at least), and for moving forward in two of the other starters.

This evening, I wrote over 1300 words without pausing to think. The story (yes, a new one) just flowed out of my brain into my fingers onto the keyboard, and into the document. I am so excited about it. It has potential. It felt so good to be writing again. And honestly, I don't even care if it doesn't get finished. Oh, I have plans to continue working on it. And it even sparked the juices to write this post - once you start writing, it's hard to stop sometimes. But as I wrote, I was reminded that sometimes what we write (those of us who do) isn't so we can complete something. It's because we need to get something out - something happy, something sad, something confusing...whatever it is, it must come out in some creative way. I don't mean creative like you might think. It's not artwork - not yet. But it could be, someday. Even if its just for me.

So, today, I engaged in writing therapy. And I know I'm better tonight for it.

writing update!

Yikes-a-bee! 2 posts in 1 day? Is the world ending? How long's it been since that happened?? (ok, so it's almost tomorrow, but I squeaked it in!)

I need another paragraph (or two) in Chapter 1. I don't think it's long enough, but I've said about all I wanted to, and don't feel like faking it to make it what I think is "long enough." Also, I need about 15-20 (on the conservative side) more chapters. I may need as many as 25 or 30 more. But that might be a little overboard for my first novel.

In other(ish) yet related news...
Can you start chapter 2 before you finish chapter 1? (I know it's physically, mentally possible, but something about it just feels wrong, you know?)

All in all, I feel like I accomplished something tonight. I *ahem* kept moving forward. (want 10 points? tell me where that's from. want 25? tell me the original it was derived from.)

Feels good, writing. I'll be doing it some more, I think.
Oh! And don't forget to give me your feedback on this.

if i'm missing... don't be alarmed

it's because i'm typing thoughts somewhere else for a bit.
but not in another blog, no.
i have begun.
writing, that is.
if you have no idea what i'm talking about, read the last post first.

i started saturday evening. i dinked around with making a cover, coming up with a pen name that could technically link to mine, changing the cover color about 5 times; you know, the important stuff.

but i had an idea that popped into my head. so i started typing. before i realized it, i had too many ideas, and not enough congruency. don't worry. i stopped typing. i made notes to myself. i thought about characters. i thought about plot. i thought about locations, relationships, how in the world i'm gonna get this person or that person to that place - and not just on time, but ever!

on sunday afternoon, i added a paragraph, plus one line. and i changed some stuff on the cover. namely, my pen name. but that paragraph came so easily. i had opened it to re-read what i had written the day before, expecting to think it was worthless, delete it, and move on with my life. instead, things started happening, and i had to type them before they ran away.

tonight, i have realized what authors mean when they say they don't always know the entire story when they begin. i understand how a character can surprise you. for example, tonight, as i re-read the page from this weekend, and began to elaborate on the circumstances (as they presented themselves to my brain), i discovered that one of my main characters has lost both parents. i certainly didn't intend to do that. i even said to myself "really? no parents? they're gone?" out loud. (yes, out loud.) but no matter how i tried to "fix" it, i couldn't find the parents. they're gone. before i even had a chance to find them.

i am 1 1/2 pages in, complete with a cover, a title, a pen name, an author description (don't worry, it's short), and a back cover overview (do i want to read this book? i dunno, let me read the back and see what it's all about).

so far, i'm amazed. it's coming out when i think it won't. it's sort of writing itself. i know it won't always be that way. but so far, i'm liking it.

so if i'm missing from here more than i usually am, don't be alarmed. just keep your eyes pealed for a new book out soon. i may even give you hints along the way. ;)

to write or not to write

I have always wanted to write.
a book. a short story. a something.

I love (love) books.
kids' books. short stories. novellas. non-fiction (some). fiction (much). articles (of interest).
one of my favorite things to read is the smithsonian magazine - cultures, nature, opinions. interesting, always.

so, I have always had stories creating themselves in my mind. a few times I've tried to write them out. I haven't done so well with that part. it's really hard. I start second-guessing myself. I don't have an education that taught me to write. I struggled immensely in my british lit class in college - I loved the reading, but had a really tough time writing about what I'd read, what I'd discovered in reading.

I love to type. (strange, I know.)
sometimes I do typing tests just for fun.
part of the reason for this blog is so I can write, and type.
it's silly, it doesn't fulfill any purpose other than thinking, getting ideas out of my head, sharing it with the few people who care to stumble across this page from time to time.
once, I started re-typing a book I enjoyed (and still do) just to get rid of the turn of phrase that annoys me that that particular author uses in everything she writes. I never finished (it was a short enough book, but looong to type), and wouldn't have done anything with it - but it was a release. it was fun.

tonight, I found myself wishing I could write better.
maybe I should just start.
even if no one but me ever sees it.
it'll be work.
it'll be a release.
but I think it could be fun.