Thinking Deeply: Purpose

In the last couple days I’ve come to the recognition/decision that I don’t spend enough time thinking anymore. Which is weird because I think a lot. I overthink, I plan, and I process things to death. I had a meeting with some of my colleagues on Tuesday, which has been followed by some interactions with articles shared by people from that meeting on a web based (for lack of a better term) chat we are doing together.

Typically, when I blog, I feel much better because I’ve taken the time to put into coherent words things that have been rolling around in my head for a while – several days at least. This time, it’s been only a day and a half since this thought process began. It’s been busy at work (as always) and to be honest I feel a bit guilty about spending time reading and thinking when I have tasks to do. But these thought times are what makes my mind work better, my decisions be faster and more accurate for situations, and begin me on the road to innovating better solutions so I can be more productive in my job and in my life. So it’s not actually a waste of time, even if I feel that way. (note to self…)

I have also been wrestling for about the last month with a large (and daunting) question: Am I really supposed to have a career as an admin? That’s where I’m headed, and I have many skills that make it seem like the right choice, but it is also very stressful to me, even in the best of times. So when you through curves (which of course happens everywhere, and always more frequently than I’d like) the stress just doubles and triples with hardly a backward glance. I honestly don't know if it is the right life-goal for me or not. It may be, but if it is, I have many things I need to learn (either really learn, or learn to cope with).

Part of the “problem” is that I’m too emotional. Word it how you like, but I don’t have the time right now to rethink that bit. I invest much of my emotional energy into everything (ok, 99% of what) I do. Due to this fact, I am almost always drained after work. Even if it was the best day ever, I am not energized, I am exhausted. That isn’t bad, but most people I interact with seem to be the opposite. When they accomplish something they could follow it up by running a marathon. I feel the exhilaration, but it takes it out of me. Yes, hello, my name is Kara, and I am indeed an introvert.

I have learned fairly well in my 33 years ways to counteract this, and how to cope (mostly, and so far at least, I’m quite sure there is much more to be learned). I go through phases of wishing I was more like “everybody” else (knowing that’s not actually accurate), and being super glad I am the way I am – after all, it’s how God made me.

That being said, I have started to try to analyze myself and whether or not I should have an administrative position. What is it that stresses me out? I can manage many tasks and prioritize them, and accomplish them in an appropriate amount of time. Everyone I’ve worked with or for up to this point (8 years so far in this field) has given me high praise for being high capacity and detail-oriented, which is very true. I tell people often in conversations regarding such things that I am not good at vision – coming up with the big picture. But if I am given the end goal, the picture you want to see, the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, I can see most (if not all) of the pillars and detours and threats that hold up, detract from, or completely derail the train to get there. That is a really good thing, but it also frequently annoys the visionaries because it also points out inconsistencies or incomplete information in their dream. I love dreams. I have many. But mine get derailed faster because I see the issues and simply don’t start. Not good. Some I pursue, but I get overwhelmed and they get stalled.

Ok. So, when I take time to pick something apart, it can be really good or really unhelpful. However, being wired and being raised in a family who thinks deeply, widely, and frequently, I always feel most alive when I’m processing something that makes a difference – for my work/company, for people I care about, or for myself. Of course, that means I have to come up with a plan of action too, because thinking about stuff and never acting is exactly the definition of a stagnant life.

One article that was shared out of my colleague group this week began with a couple questions – right in the introduction:

"Will you join us on this journey of taking ownership of our lives rather than being victims to it? Will you become one of the people who do beautiful, amazing things with your life?"

What a punch. Right from the off.

Do I think of my life as just something that happens to me? I don’t think I’d say that, but I also clearly hate change while still understanding it is necessary and good. I choose change too! I chose to move to another state. I chose to start a new job. I chose to be an admin, at least for now. Often, smaller changes, like starting projects at home, or dying my hair feel much less heavy. My hair will grow, so if I don’t like it, time will give me another go. It’s just hair. My project at home may take longer, or may end up being abandoned, but it’s worth a try. But bigger changes feel more permanent. Why is that?

The article includes 5 principles, all written in sections. I believe they were blog posts to begin with so they were posted at least days apart if not a week or so. The first section/principle is literally this: “You were designed to change.” It’s about 2½ pages about the good of change, and why we feel we can’t do it, as well as some explanation that God created us that way. But.

“...nobody changes at all if they don’t believe they’re supposed to.

So here’s the question: Do you believe you were designed to change? And if so, what’s stopping you? I mean that literally. What’s stopping you from changing?”

I don’t have an answer to that yet. I am still ruminating. I keep finding more articles, on seemingly different topics, that are relating exactly to my mind and heart right now. I have more processing to do before I share more, (if I remember to do that), but I’m finding encouragement in those things right now. You can too.

For now, I will dedicate time each week, working up to each day, to spend time thinking. Some days I will also process by writing. Others, I won’t. My hope is that it helps me to keep learning and growing and to not lose sight of who I am and who I want to be by being weighed down in my day-to-day tasks and responsibilities. My calling is higher than getting through the work week. I’m thankful today for that realization.

Here are the articles currently rolling around together in my brain:

• Emergent Productivity
• Start Life Over
• When I Fear the Future

My Crazy Life

Time for an update? I think so. I can’t really believe I haven’t written since December! The past 3 months have been a little crazy in my little life. Since Easter (April 4 & 5), I worked my last week at The Compass, moved to Minneapolis, started my new job at the Evangelical Free Church of America, finished unpacking and organizing (except for the books and movies – they’re shelved, but that’s it) and got my new driver’s license, and am getting a new car next week (hopefully – and that isn’t partially broken!). That’s a lot.  I still haven’t settled on a new “home church” but am close. I miss friends, family, belonging. Some mornings I wake up, walk into my living room and think, I’m in Minnesota. Woah. I still can’t completely believe it. My beloved cabin is only 1.5-2 hours away now instead of 8. Yes, I am a lucky girl.

Next up: finish getting a car and... get a library card! ;)

Ok, so I bet you’re wondering how this all came about. Well, for the past couple years I have felt restless – I have prayed for clarity, peace, calm, and many of you have prayed with me. Several months ago, on a very bad day, I decided (thanks to prompting from my mom) to just see if there might be something to apply for at the EFCA in Minneapolis. There wasn’t, but there was a “give us your email and we’ll let you know if anything opens up” box – which I completed. I didn’t really think about it again after a day or so, partly because I was pretty sure if I ever did hear from them that it would be something for which I wasn’t qualified. 

Fast forward to March 12th. I received an email notification for an administrative job – a perfect fit. I was shocked. I prayed, and since I was at work, decided to ignore it until after our big event on Saturday morning. I could NOT stop thinking about it. I asked God to get it out of my mind until Saturday unless He wanted me to do something sooner. I couldn’t get it out of my mind! So, Friday morning before I went in for an extra day of work to prepare for the event, I completed the application. Friday afternoon while I ate a late lunch I saw that I had an email response – a form letter asking for completion of a few more questions, which I did. The event on Saturday went well, I worked Sunday too since one of my coworkers was sick and two others were out of town, and Sunday afternoon I crashed.

Monday MORNING I received a phone call asking if I could interview that week. I did a Skype interview that Friday, at the end of which I was told I’d be sent some assessments on Monday. I actually received the first one that afternoon, which I completed. On Monday morning (now we’re at Monday, the 23rd) I got the other assessments, which I did that night right after work. Tuesday around 11a, they called to ask for a second interview. I let my boss know what was going on and she gave me her blessing to follow God’s apparent leading, and that she’d be praying. That Friday, March 27th, I was in Minneapolis for my first in person (but second) interview. It went very well, and I felt like I was already joining the team. I had to remind myself all the way home that it was not for sure, but even my brother was lamenting already how unfair it was that I’d be moving only a couple hours from our lake. ;) I told him it wasn’t for sure, we didn’t really know that, and he confidently said, “Yeah, but you’re moving to Minnesota.” It made me smile. I had been told I’d hear by the end of the week – likely nearer the end.

In the meantime, Trinity International University (my alma mater) had called me for an interview for a position I’d applied for about a week prior to the EFCA job due to the urging of a friend and more prayer. It was something I thought I could do, but I didn’t know if it would really work, or even if it was the right idea. My interview was to be Tuesday, the 31st, so I stayed with my friend Alicia on campus from Saturday night through Monday. Monday I worked from a desk near her office. At 8:30a I got texts from 2 of my references saying they’d just talked to the EFCA. WOAH. By 10a I had a job offer, which I accepted via phone – and would accept officially via email a few hours later. It had been two weeks and two days since I’d HEARD about the opportunity.

Clearly, very clearly, this was God’s plan. I cancelled my interview with Trinity, called my parents and told my closest friends, and my boss – who were all excited for me. Tuesday first thing I submitted my notice. The week following Easter was my last. It was a good place to be and I learned a lot, and I love people there, but I cannot explain the peace that exists when you are living in God’s plan – it has been chaotic and crazy and fast, but it has been good.

I have learned a ton in my first two months here. I have made connections with people here, and some of them are becoming friends. I look forward to settling into a church (which is hard in the land of 10,000 lakes during the summer) and getting into a small group. My apartment feels like home, though it will more so once a few friends have been there, which is happening soon as friends from Illinois come to visit. I will also feel more settled once I reorganize (properly) my book and movie shelves and get a library card so I can get … more books!

Thanks to all of you who have prayed, all of you who have been patiently waiting for the details of this update, and those of you who have listened lovingly and kindly to the moments when I’m freaking out (DMVs and driver’s knowledge tests are STRESSFUL)! God has blessed me richly, and most of it is because of you. God is good, and my story is proof!

I promise it won’t be as long again before I write… at least, I hope not! Until then...

Beyond Beginning

Sometimes I find it very hard to start something. But often, while starting is hard, continuing is harder. Whether it be research for something I'm interested in learning, crocheting a blanket (or working on a cross stitch pattern), a project at work, writing, or even just keeping up with a blog of a friend (or *ahem* writing on my own).

It can be for many different reasons. I may be super busy at work for a season and not have time to keep up on my personal pursuits. I may be overwhelmed by the project itself; often I have an idea that is exciting, but once I start working on it or thinking through it, it seems too big (or that I'm unprepared to do it) and the process stops. Sometimes I have good momentum on something but then out of nowhere that 'overwhelmed' feeling creeps in and it all grinds to a halt.

In the last couple weeks I've realized I'm in the middle of at least 8 things like this. Frustrating. Beyond frustrating, actually. I am not a finisher. Well, I am at work, but not in these projects. What does that mean? At work, I usually find the way to keep going because of a deadline or a responsibility that is tied to others. At home, I can set deadlines, but since they usually don't affect anyone but me, it's easy to change, or drop altogether. And then, in time, I find myself disappointed with... myself.

What do you do to get beyond beginning and see something through to the end?

Girl's Night In!

Tonight my dear friend had dinner prepared for several of us friends at her house. We had a WONDERFUL time of laughter, good food, too many cookies, too much cake, joy, hugs, games, good conversation...the list goes on.

I've just noticed, I'm writing as if it's still Sunday night, but realize that it's become Monday morning (I just got home about 10/15 minutes ago)!

Good friends are good for me. They keep me grounded, lift me up, and encourage me. They love me for who I am now, and encourage me in my walk with our amazing God.

What a fabulous way to end a busy season & start a vacation!

San Diego Conference - Promise (finally) Fulfilled

First, I said this.
Then, I said this.

...and it's not Monday night as promised - it's Thursday... forgive me. Ok, here we go.

We left on a Sunday morning. I swear our (main) flight attendant was Mike Rowe. Without hair. Once we'd been picked up from the airport, we went to lunch in Ocean Beach, which culminated in some interesting "calamari" that looked more like a flat piece of rubbery plastic under the eggs Benedict, and tasted about the same. Fortunately, I had a very tasty zucchini sandwich. mmm. that kind of goodness could make me a vegetarian very easily. Then we walked on the beach in the sun, and tried not to fall asleep standing up. It was breezy - ocean and all that - but nice. Then we stopped for a little ice cream and I bought the necessary salt water taffy to take home.

Once at the hotel, we simply unpacked and relaxed for a couple hours until our first session of the conference. Surprise! We got to enjoy Tim Hawkins, a fabulous Christian comedian who literally had us laughing so hard we were crying for 45 minutes straight. Still, so funny. "I don't know where that snort came from! I've never done that before!! I have a pig in my soul that just won't come out!"

The sessions the next day were wonderful - the worship was great, the speakers were amazing, the topics were fabulous. I felt like God had designed my schedule - it was just what I needed to hear. This includes one speaker I heard 3 times (and was glad to). I went to ones on prayer, leadership, and rejuvenation along with a few other topics mixed in. I was encouraged by hearing that I don't necessarily have to "stay put" to be staying in God's will.

We also got to go to dinner one night - the same Mexican restaurant we went to last year in Old Town San Diego - and hear our 'friends' the singers (for tips) play some songs for us - complete with cheesy grins, singing along, and laughing.

I was able to enjoy the sunshine (and get the tiniest bit of color) in many ways. One of the best was that one night when we went to La Jolla ("la hoya" to those who need pronunciation help) for dinner, we stopped to listen/look at the waves in the dark - and realized those "rocks" on the shore were seals! We went to dinner then at a place called Azul, which was expensive (woah) but delicious. The next morning before we went to the airport, we went back to La Jolla to watch the seals and take pictures - and found out 2 babies had been born the night before, just before we were there. Amazing.

Then, of course, the flight home had its own interesting little bits. First, we sat by the same man on the way home as we did on the way there (passenger) and had some laughs over that. Then, again, we had a pretty funny flight attendant (a woman, this time). At the end of our flight, she sang a little song (to the tune of I love you, you love me from the Barney show) "...marry one of us and you'll fly free..." followed promptly by laughter from the passengers, to which she said, "You'd better clap, or I'll sing again." We all laughed louder, and clapped immediately.

Overall, it was a good time to hear from God, enjoy His creation, and find some time to rest, relax, and refresh. Thanks be to God!

Overwhelmed

That is the general explanation of how I have felt today. I won't trouble you with the details, but I just wanted to take a second to try to encourage: you as well as myself.

Today I saw a friend had written something about the fresh perspective you get with the dawn of a new day...and then the comment that he needed a new day every 2 hours. When I shared this with another friend of mine, she remarked that she could use a new day about every 20 minutes. By the middle of my day, I would have said I could use a new day every 30 seconds or so.

Needless to say, it was a little rough, and I was overwhelmed.

Thankfully, I have some great friends/prayer warriors. They lifted me (and the situation) up to the Lord all day. They gave me words of advice and encouragement - some were easy to hear, some were hard. But I know that's what has gotten me through.

I know that I will face challenges even as I head home this evening. I know that when I come into my "fresh perspective" in the morning, it could very easily get tainted. But, since I know this is possible, and since I am thinking about it, I have a new goal tomorrow: Prayer. Constant prayer on my part. I didn't do too much of it today - at least not as much as I should have. Tomorrow I will pray. Tomorrow I will strive to keep my attitude in check. Tomorrow, I will accomplish what needs to get done without so much stress as today. And hopefully, tomorrow, my day will be better. That is my challenge to myself, and to you if you need it.

Tomorrow, I will check in and let you know how I did.

Uplifting

God hit me up today.

I have a few friends who blog, some frequently, some not so frequently. Some of them probably don't even know that I read what they write. That's ok. I enjoy their insight, the knowledge God has blessed them with.

Today was rough. Today was a day when I would have liked to stay in bed and have someone else in my shoes. Nothing was particularly bad, I just had a hard time of it.

This afternoon as I didn't really have time to start another project, I thought I'd take a minute to read up on a couple blogs I hadn't checked in about a week. One had a great encouragement just waiting for me. I still feel a little bogged down and drained, but my perspective has begun to shift already (I read it only a few minutes before writing this). It is a good echo to what I had written earlier. God is my strength, and only when I have faith can I be strong because of Him.

Thanks, Adam, for letting God use you today.