decisions

wow. everything i can think to write right now has a negative spin on it. :( not good.

i have some BIG decisions in my life right now, and because i am waiting on God to guide me and am not yet sure what that means, i won't go into any details. suffice it to say it would be a big change in almost every way, and despite the things i am fearing, i also am very excited about it. i hope i can find some clarity and definitive answers soon so i can start "shouting from the mountaintops" as it were.

in the mean time sitting here, slogging through the day to day is getting rougher. it's harder to sit still. it's harder to keep going. to be motivated, internally or externally. i just want to sit outside in the fresh air, read books, listen to music, eat lunch with friends, talk about possibilities.

God, give me strength to keep doing what you've asked me to do - even for a time.
i just feel so ... restless.

Promises

I promise to get better at this again... it just may take a little while to get settled back in...

I have been beyond busy since January, and with Easter just over, and summer looming, it doesn't let up. Throw into the equation my move to my new apartment in less than 2 weeks. I'm excited about the move (with an awesome roommate), but it adds to the BUSY. I am sick of packing, and loathe the thought of unpacking. I'm already looking forward to my vacation at the end of June, when I can really rest up despite having just had a 4-day weekend (it was full of packing and cleaning, not much of the much-needed-rest).

So, I think of writing, but never quite get there. And today, I'm so stressed I can't sit still, can't think straight, can't quite figure out how to keep going, or what to work on, or how.

I have this feeling I need to be bold, but don't know where to begin, or what that really looks like right now. I know I need to keep my faith strong, and that I still live in the promises God has given me. I need to be better at reading my Bible daily (more than, really) so those promises are etched deeper into my brain. I feel restless, I feel incomplete, I feel like I'm floating and can't find the ground beneath me.

I'm glad I'm not the One in control.
But I admit, I wish He'd give me a blueprint to follow. Or a list. I like lists.
Deep breath.
Continue.

Shadow of the Ocean

a short story. (here)
just in time for Halloween...

(and a product of my sleeplessness tonight/this morning...)
reading time: approx. 10 minutes

feedback in the comments!

Wondering is the beginning...

Today, as I sat in my office, I found myself wondering something: how could I feel so restless right now, in this time in my life? I am self-supported, doing well at work (today held a few instances that were definitely good), I have friends who care about me (& whether I drop off the face of the earth or not), and I am in relatively good health. Thus, my restless, anxious feeling - which I just cannot shake - begs the question: why??

Now, I readily admit that the good things at work today were not at all my own claim entirely. There were MANY people without whom, I could never have accomplished what I did. However, I did have a large part in it, and much of the responsibility was mine. And, I did well. Despite all this, and the positive comments that were made to me and about me, I still felt like I'd rather crawl into a dark hole and hide for awhile. I think I was fairly pleasant to those with whom I had interaction, and even can recall a few laughs throughout the day. Why then is there this restless, uncomfortable feeling?

I can only guess what is going on here. Either God is trying to teach me something, to prepare me for something in the future; or the devil is trying to disrupt everything and get in the way of me doing the best I can for my Lord. I'm pretty much hoping it's the first option (wouldn't you?).

SO, as I type this out, I see that I am no closer to knowing "why" than I was at 9:00 this morning, but I do know one thing: God is bigger than the boogie man, and He will win this battle I am fighting. That is the only way I have hope for tomorrow. And because of Him, I can rest easy, put my restlessness aside for the night, and have faith that He will show me the way...

...in His time.

And I want to wake up "kicking and screaming", and lift my eyes to Him, and no one else.