Today, both of my parents are having surgery. In fact, my mom's in hers as I type this. They'll both be fine, and I shouldn't really be worried, but that's the part of me that is my mother's daughter. But I'm also my father's daughter, so I find myself in this detached worrying state. If I think about it too much, I start to freak myself out - but I'm not so far gone that I can't recognize what's happening and stop it. It's sort of like part of my brain is saying "freak out! your parents are in SURgEry! you can't do anything! and your mom insists she doesn't want help once she's home even though that sounds crazy! yOU HAVE to be there for the next 2 weeks to be sure they're ok!!" and the other part of my brain is saying "seriously? chill out man. help 'em out tomorrow, but good grief, calm down. they're fine. the doctors are good and your dad doesn't seem worried so just quit it. and your mom's not even as worried as you'd expect so just cut it out. drive them home tomorrow and then go on with life." Yeah, ok brain. Whatever you say (that's the first part breaking in again).
Because of this, I have found myself researching thyroids and gall bladders over the past few days and I know the symptoms related to problems, and the expected recovery time after surgery. I (thankfully) did not dig to deep, so I don't know complications or weird stories that have happened to the 1 in a thousand or whatever. And I feel confident that they'll be fine. I really do - but sometimes your emotions start to try to convince you otherwise. I mean, it's my parents!
Of course, I start thinking I should distract myself. Read a book, watch tv, do something crafty, whatever. Just get busy. I started thinking about posting about the books I've read this year. But as I even thought through that post (which I'll likely post tomorrow instead), I realized I should address what I'm really thinking about so I can let it go and not over do the stress on myself, which really isn't necessary. My youngest brother is with them today, my other brother and his family are praying warriors, and I'll be there to get them and help them tomorrow.
So what do I do now? Well, I'm with one of my dearest friends, and we both need rest today, so we plan to get some decongestant medicine and such from the store and then chill and watch Doctor Who for most of the day. I will also be knitting. We'll likely take some time to read as well. But you can bet I'll have my phone beside me all day, waiting to hear from my brother (who's with them) or until I can call them myself.
Then, tomorrow, I'll be the one to pick them up and take them home. I know they've already had friends dropping off meals and offering to help, which is encouraging. I will hang out there until we all feel comfortable with me leaving - could be same day, could be longer. Good thing I like reading and quiet, huh? Of course, I have movies to watch as well. :)
So if you're the praying-to-Jesus type, please join me in praying for them. For peace, for steady hands of the doctors and nurses, for quick and full healing, for little pain and good pain control, and for rest. Pray for low stress levels. Pray for the rest of my family not to be worried more than we should. And praise Him for the blessings - both surgeries are fairly common, my parents convinced the hospital to put them in the same recovery room, and my brothers and I have all been available to help.
At the end of the day, and all throughout it, actually, despite surgery, worry, and stress, God is good.
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worry. Show all posts
Monday, December 29, 2014
Monday, October 22, 2012
figuring things out
I think I may have just come upon a discovery about myself. And I'm not sure how I feel about it.
Every Monday for the past 3 weeks, I have felt overwhelmed. like, elephant sitting on my chest so I can't breathe overwhelmed. It's really irritating. and it's frustrating because it makes me think that maybe I have a problem that can't be solved. And I can't just keep trying to get through it because it takes until about Wednesday to feel better at all, by which time I'm still so busy that I can hardly keep up and I just pray constantly that the most important things will get done by Friday.
So what I realized today is that when I get a whole lot of information at once, it is overwhelming. If I get it piecemeal, though, it isn't much better. I started thinking about why this is such an issue, and came up with... well.
Here's the weird part: its like word problems in math. I hate those. Seriously, they are the worst ever. Just give me the problem, teach me how to solve it, and let me go. I'm not great at math overall, but word problems have always been one of the hardest things for me to figure out. "But it's just an algebra equation," you say. Yeah, I know. I just don't get them. It's a story, and I know there are things that need to be figured out. That much is clear. And there's a train, and people traveling (or objects), and we'd like to know what time they'll get from A to B or how fast they're going or something. But with the way you've told me the story, my brain just can't figure out which number or letter belongs to which part of the equation to solve it. When I walk through it with someone, it becomes so extremely clear that I can't believe I couldn't see it myself, but I sure couldn't.
It feels the same way when I get a ton of information from anywhere. I know I can figure out eventually what there is to be done, and when it needs to be done, but getting there takes so much work, so much time, that often, I feel like the deadline will pass before I even know what it is that needs doing. So, sitting in a meeting at work, taking notes, highlighting or starring those things that seem like "do" points and making note of their due dates is all well and good. But then I leave the meeting, and there is so much more there than I have specific record of in my notes. It's all there, too, but I just can't see it. And it overwhelms me.
I'm 30! Shouldn't I be able to figure these things out by now without all the stress?
Stupid word problems. I tried to learn you. Really, I did. When they told me in junior high and high school that I'd need these dumb math skills the rest of my life, I believed them. It just didn't seem to help. Cuz word problems are still killing me today.
I don't know how I feel about this. In some ways it makes me feel a little better about how stressed I am because this is something I've always struggled with. On the other hand, it's really awful, because it's something I've always struggled with.
Every Monday for the past 3 weeks, I have felt overwhelmed. like, elephant sitting on my chest so I can't breathe overwhelmed. It's really irritating. and it's frustrating because it makes me think that maybe I have a problem that can't be solved. And I can't just keep trying to get through it because it takes until about Wednesday to feel better at all, by which time I'm still so busy that I can hardly keep up and I just pray constantly that the most important things will get done by Friday.
So what I realized today is that when I get a whole lot of information at once, it is overwhelming. If I get it piecemeal, though, it isn't much better. I started thinking about why this is such an issue, and came up with... well.
Here's the weird part: its like word problems in math. I hate those. Seriously, they are the worst ever. Just give me the problem, teach me how to solve it, and let me go. I'm not great at math overall, but word problems have always been one of the hardest things for me to figure out. "But it's just an algebra equation," you say. Yeah, I know. I just don't get them. It's a story, and I know there are things that need to be figured out. That much is clear. And there's a train, and people traveling (or objects), and we'd like to know what time they'll get from A to B or how fast they're going or something. But with the way you've told me the story, my brain just can't figure out which number or letter belongs to which part of the equation to solve it. When I walk through it with someone, it becomes so extremely clear that I can't believe I couldn't see it myself, but I sure couldn't.
It feels the same way when I get a ton of information from anywhere. I know I can figure out eventually what there is to be done, and when it needs to be done, but getting there takes so much work, so much time, that often, I feel like the deadline will pass before I even know what it is that needs doing. So, sitting in a meeting at work, taking notes, highlighting or starring those things that seem like "do" points and making note of their due dates is all well and good. But then I leave the meeting, and there is so much more there than I have specific record of in my notes. It's all there, too, but I just can't see it. And it overwhelms me.
I'm 30! Shouldn't I be able to figure these things out by now without all the stress?
Stupid word problems. I tried to learn you. Really, I did. When they told me in junior high and high school that I'd need these dumb math skills the rest of my life, I believed them. It just didn't seem to help. Cuz word problems are still killing me today.
I don't know how I feel about this. In some ways it makes me feel a little better about how stressed I am because this is something I've always struggled with. On the other hand, it's really awful, because it's something I've always struggled with.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
Getting it out
Still, I cannot get them off my mind. Prayer. That's all I can do. That's the only way I can get any of these feelings out.
It makes me wonder: I have thought about missions. Before my current job I was looking into missions organizations, trying to discern if that was the way God was leading me. Missions has been something that has been on my heart in many ways for quite a long time - since high school, actually. I have an aunt who was a missionary in Germany for a long time. I think that may have started it. I have never been on a missions trip for various reasons: lack of money, fear, bad timing, a plethora of others. And yet, I have often wondered (sometimes more than others) if God wants me to be a missionary somewhere other than here, where I am 'comfortable'. But the door has never opened. At least not yet.
And I find myself wondering, as I read the prayer requests and pray for my friends' family, would I be able to hold on to God and remain faithful if it was me? Would I be willing to admit that maybe God gave me a precious little girl for only a week of her (and my) life? Would I be able to love her the way they did? Would I be able to continue His work while dealing with such a devastating blow? How would I react? What would I do? Would I be able to trust Him wholly still? Would I be able to look forward to what He would do?
When I think these things, it scares me. I don’t want to doubt Him. But even more, I don’t want fear to be the reason I don’t obey. There is a very minimal possibility that I may have a chance to go on a missions trip myself before very long. The very idea terrifies me. But it excites me as well. I want to be abandoned to God. Wholly and completely. I want to be sold out to Him. And that is a terrifying, exciting, crazy thing.
And as I think about this, I am in such turmoil because I don’t know what He wants for me. I don’t know if that is the path I am on. I only know that I am striving to follow Him. I only know that He is leading me, and wherever He leads, I will follow. I will trust Him.
I know it is not easy. My own feelings right now, and the troubles around me are easy proof of that. But He never said it would be easy. He has set me apart (Psalm 4:3). He hears when I call. He directs my path (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I wonder.
I wonder where He is leading me.
And I will try not to be anxious in anything.
And I try to just trust the Lord my God.
It makes me wonder: I have thought about missions. Before my current job I was looking into missions organizations, trying to discern if that was the way God was leading me. Missions has been something that has been on my heart in many ways for quite a long time - since high school, actually. I have an aunt who was a missionary in Germany for a long time. I think that may have started it. I have never been on a missions trip for various reasons: lack of money, fear, bad timing, a plethora of others. And yet, I have often wondered (sometimes more than others) if God wants me to be a missionary somewhere other than here, where I am 'comfortable'. But the door has never opened. At least not yet.
And I find myself wondering, as I read the prayer requests and pray for my friends' family, would I be able to hold on to God and remain faithful if it was me? Would I be willing to admit that maybe God gave me a precious little girl for only a week of her (and my) life? Would I be able to love her the way they did? Would I be able to continue His work while dealing with such a devastating blow? How would I react? What would I do? Would I be able to trust Him wholly still? Would I be able to look forward to what He would do?
When I think these things, it scares me. I don’t want to doubt Him. But even more, I don’t want fear to be the reason I don’t obey. There is a very minimal possibility that I may have a chance to go on a missions trip myself before very long. The very idea terrifies me. But it excites me as well. I want to be abandoned to God. Wholly and completely. I want to be sold out to Him. And that is a terrifying, exciting, crazy thing.
And as I think about this, I am in such turmoil because I don’t know what He wants for me. I don’t know if that is the path I am on. I only know that I am striving to follow Him. I only know that He is leading me, and wherever He leads, I will follow. I will trust Him.
I know it is not easy. My own feelings right now, and the troubles around me are easy proof of that. But He never said it would be easy. He has set me apart (Psalm 4:3). He hears when I call. He directs my path (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I wonder.
I wonder where He is leading me.
And I will try not to be anxious in anything.
And I try to just trust the Lord my God.
Not fair
I am sitting in my house tonight wondering why.
Why I am so discouraged. Why I feel so lonely. Why I am so tired and can't seem to catch up.
I am wondering why such special people who are serving God faithfully in Uganda are suffering such a loss right now. On top of losing their precious daughter, they are sick, along with both of their boys, and their 3-year-old has a broken collarbone, and are worried about thieves in their neighborhood.
When I think about them, and their mission and ministry, I know that at least part of what is happening (and perhaps the whole) is an attack by Satan. I have been praying since last week when prayer requests started appearing regularly from Matt on Facebook for Jerusalem's health.
My concerns are paltry. I am not dealing with any kind of loss, especially not one so hard as losing a loved one or a child. I don't worry about thieves on a daily basis. I am wondering why I feel the way I do when I know that I am extremely blessed, relatively healthy, and fairly well-off compared to others. I have a job which supports me and is actually helping me get out of the bit of debt (school loans) that I am in. I have no reason to be feeling as down as I do.
My heart feels like it is breaking for Matt & Crystal. They are so willing to be used by God; why would He allow them to be hurting this way? I don't know why. I suppose Job's friends (and maybe even Job himself) were asking these same questions. I refuse to doubt His plan. I refuse to fall into the trap Satan has laid out. I will not go against God. I may not know the reason He allowed these things to happen, but I know He is faithful. I know He is strong. I know He is comforting and strengthening them even as I type this. When I run out of words as I pray, He hears my heart.
I am wondering why I feel so much for Matt & Crystal. I had some classes with Matt in college, and knew Crystal mostly by name and face. I think we may have had a total of 2 less-than-2-minute conversations in 4 years there. However, I have been praying for their ministry since they started got to Africa in 2006. I don't know how many people are praying and supporting them, but I feel a connection to them - even if it is only because we serve the same amazing God, and that their mission & vision touch many of the same chords that seem to be lodged in my heart.
And still, I feel the things I am worrying about - my discouragement, my loneliness, my inability to stop feeling overwhelmed. And I feel guilty for feeling that way when friends are suffering so much more. Which adds to my worry...which adds to my guilt...which adds to my discouragement...
It's all just so extremely not fair.
Why I am so discouraged. Why I feel so lonely. Why I am so tired and can't seem to catch up.
I am wondering why such special people who are serving God faithfully in Uganda are suffering such a loss right now. On top of losing their precious daughter, they are sick, along with both of their boys, and their 3-year-old has a broken collarbone, and are worried about thieves in their neighborhood.
When I think about them, and their mission and ministry, I know that at least part of what is happening (and perhaps the whole) is an attack by Satan. I have been praying since last week when prayer requests started appearing regularly from Matt on Facebook for Jerusalem's health.
My concerns are paltry. I am not dealing with any kind of loss, especially not one so hard as losing a loved one or a child. I don't worry about thieves on a daily basis. I am wondering why I feel the way I do when I know that I am extremely blessed, relatively healthy, and fairly well-off compared to others. I have a job which supports me and is actually helping me get out of the bit of debt (school loans) that I am in. I have no reason to be feeling as down as I do.
My heart feels like it is breaking for Matt & Crystal. They are so willing to be used by God; why would He allow them to be hurting this way? I don't know why. I suppose Job's friends (and maybe even Job himself) were asking these same questions. I refuse to doubt His plan. I refuse to fall into the trap Satan has laid out. I will not go against God. I may not know the reason He allowed these things to happen, but I know He is faithful. I know He is strong. I know He is comforting and strengthening them even as I type this. When I run out of words as I pray, He hears my heart.
I am wondering why I feel so much for Matt & Crystal. I had some classes with Matt in college, and knew Crystal mostly by name and face. I think we may have had a total of 2 less-than-2-minute conversations in 4 years there. However, I have been praying for their ministry since they started got to Africa in 2006. I don't know how many people are praying and supporting them, but I feel a connection to them - even if it is only because we serve the same amazing God, and that their mission & vision touch many of the same chords that seem to be lodged in my heart.
And still, I feel the things I am worrying about - my discouragement, my loneliness, my inability to stop feeling overwhelmed. And I feel guilty for feeling that way when friends are suffering so much more. Which adds to my worry...which adds to my guilt...which adds to my discouragement...
It's all just so extremely not fair.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)