Getting it out

Still, I cannot get them off my mind. Prayer. That's all I can do. That's the only way I can get any of these feelings out.

It makes me wonder: I have thought about missions. Before my current job I was looking into missions organizations, trying to discern if that was the way God was leading me. Missions has been something that has been on my heart in many ways for quite a long time - since high school, actually. I have an aunt who was a missionary in Germany for a long time. I think that may have started it. I have never been on a missions trip for various reasons: lack of money, fear, bad timing, a plethora of others. And yet, I have often wondered (sometimes more than others) if God wants me to be a missionary somewhere other than here, where I am 'comfortable'. But the door has never opened. At least not yet.

And I find myself wondering, as I read the prayer requests and pray for my friends' family, would I be able to hold on to God and remain faithful if it was me? Would I be willing to admit that maybe God gave me a precious little girl for only a week of her (and my) life? Would I be able to love her the way they did? Would I be able to continue His work while dealing with such a devastating blow? How would I react? What would I do? Would I be able to trust Him wholly still? Would I be able to look forward to what He would do?

When I think these things, it scares me. I don’t want to doubt Him. But even more, I don’t want fear to be the reason I don’t obey. There is a very minimal possibility that I may have a chance to go on a missions trip myself before very long. The very idea terrifies me. But it excites me as well. I want to be abandoned to God. Wholly and completely. I want to be sold out to Him. And that is a terrifying, exciting, crazy thing.

And as I think about this, I am in such turmoil because I don’t know what He wants for me. I don’t know if that is the path I am on. I only know that I am striving to follow Him. I only know that He is leading me, and wherever He leads, I will follow. I will trust Him.

I know it is not easy. My own feelings right now, and the troubles around me are easy proof of that. But He never said it would be easy. He has set me apart (Psalm 4:3). He hears when I call. He directs my path (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I wonder.
I wonder where He is leading me.

And I will try not to be anxious in anything.
And I try to just trust the Lord my God.

Not fair

I am sitting in my house tonight wondering why.

Why I am so discouraged. Why I feel so lonely. Why I am so tired and can't seem to catch up.

I am wondering why such special people who are serving God faithfully in Uganda are suffering such a loss right now. On top of losing their precious daughter, they are sick, along with both of their boys, and their 3-year-old has a broken collarbone, and are worried about thieves in their neighborhood.

When I think about them, and their mission and ministry, I know that at least part of what is happening (and perhaps the whole) is an attack by Satan. I have been praying since last week when prayer requests started appearing regularly from Matt on Facebook for Jerusalem's health.

My concerns are paltry. I am not dealing with any kind of loss, especially not one so hard as losing a loved one or a child. I don't worry about thieves on a daily basis. I am wondering why I feel the way I do when I know that I am extremely blessed, relatively healthy, and fairly well-off compared to others. I have a job which supports me and is actually helping me get out of the bit of debt (school loans) that I am in. I have no reason to be feeling as down as I do.

My heart feels like it is breaking for Matt & Crystal. They are so willing to be used by God; why would He allow them to be hurting this way? I don't know why. I suppose Job's friends (and maybe even Job himself) were asking these same questions. I refuse to doubt His plan. I refuse to fall into the trap Satan has laid out. I will not go against God. I may not know the reason He allowed these things to happen, but I know He is faithful. I know He is strong. I know He is comforting and strengthening them even as I type this. When I run out of words as I pray, He hears my heart.

I am wondering why I feel so much for Matt & Crystal. I had some classes with Matt in college, and knew Crystal mostly by name and face. I think we may have had a total of 2 less-than-2-minute conversations in 4 years there. However, I have been praying for their ministry since they started got to Africa in 2006. I don't know how many people are praying and supporting them, but I feel a connection to them - even if it is only because we serve the same amazing God, and that their mission & vision touch many of the same chords that seem to be lodged in my heart.

And still, I feel the things I am worrying about - my discouragement, my loneliness, my inability to stop feeling overwhelmed. And I feel guilty for feeling that way when friends are suffering so much more. Which adds to my worry...which adds to my guilt...which adds to my discouragement...

It's all just so extremely not fair.