figuring things out

I think I may have just come upon a discovery about myself. And I'm not sure how I feel about it.

Every Monday for the past 3 weeks, I have felt overwhelmed. like, elephant sitting on my chest so I can't breathe overwhelmed. It's really irritating. and it's frustrating because it makes me think that maybe I have a problem that can't be solved. And I can't just keep trying to get through it because it takes until about Wednesday to feel better at all, by which time I'm still so busy that I can hardly keep up and I just pray constantly that the most important things will get done by Friday.

So what I realized today is that when I get a whole lot of information at once, it is overwhelming. If I get it piecemeal, though, it isn't much better. I started thinking about why this is such an issue, and came up with... well.

Here's the weird part: its like word problems in math. I hate those. Seriously, they are the worst ever. Just give me the problem, teach me how to solve it, and let me go. I'm not great at math overall, but word problems have always been one of the hardest things for me to figure out. "But it's just an algebra equation," you say. Yeah, I know. I just don't get them. It's a story, and I know there are things that need to be figured out. That much is clear. And there's a train, and people traveling (or objects), and we'd like to know what time they'll get from A to B or how fast they're going or something. But with the way you've told me the story, my brain just can't figure out which number or letter belongs to which part of the equation to solve it. When I walk through it with someone, it becomes so extremely clear that I can't believe I couldn't see it myself, but I sure couldn't.

It feels the same way when I get a ton of information from anywhere. I know I can figure out eventually what there is to be done, and when it needs to be done, but getting there takes so much work, so much time, that often, I feel like the deadline will pass before I even know what it is that needs doing. So, sitting in a meeting at work, taking notes, highlighting or starring those things that seem like "do" points and making note of their due dates is all well and good. But then I leave the meeting, and there is so much more there than I have specific record of in my notes. It's all there, too, but I just can't see it. And it overwhelms me.

I'm 30! Shouldn't I be able to figure these things out by now without all the stress?

Stupid word problems. I tried to learn you. Really, I did. When they told me in junior high and high school that I'd need these dumb math skills the rest of my life, I believed them. It just didn't seem to help. Cuz word problems are still killing me today.

I don't know how I feel about this. In some ways it makes me feel a little better about how stressed I am because this is something I've always struggled with. On the other hand, it's really awful, because it's something I've always struggled with.

Ditto.

It's all I've got today.

Ditto to what? This.
Probably this too...
Plus, work is ... work.



to quote myself: "Trust on."

to quote David:
"...He is my fortress. I will never be shaken." Psalm 62:1-2

to quote the One Who loves me:
"And He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness'... I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me...for when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

This is where I'm at, folks...

it's frustrating! ;)

You know you want to click me. (<<--- there, click there!!)

when it rains it pours

more things changing, and while i'm trying to stay positive and trust God, it's getting harder as each day goes by. i know His will is best, and i'm trying to just trust, take one day at a time, and see where He leads.

things to think about are less and less clear and even less fun to have to think about.
plus, i'm trying to stay positive and thinking about these things makes that even harder.

i'm sad and frustrated and irritated and tired (haven't slept well in a week & a half now).


and, i have tiny chicken disease this week on top of it all (otherwise known as the common cold).
bleh.

hard times

today's a hard one. not sure if i'll be able to write more, including this evening, because i may end up working until i fall asleep. not my ideal, for sure.

thankfully, i have plans with a friend tomorrow night, so this won't be 2 days in a row... i hope.

wow, this is not a good post for BEDID #2... sorry, folks. it's all i've got today.
God will see me through. this i know.

Piratey Things

Comin' your way.


AAAAARRRRRGH!!!

all i can say is

shoot.

it's not Tuesday, it's Monday, but here.
i'm again faced with this feeling.
and this one, too.

i hate it.
a lot.

make it go away.
please?

Really, Tuesday?

Run away!
Run away!


edit: today, I need this.

Well today just got... interesting

But I can't tell you why. (sorry)

and i'm not sure i like it.
yikes.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (part last)

Today was the day.

Had the time to say what was needed.
God gave me the clarity (or enough) of words and thoughts.

I didn't lose it.

I was honest. I didn't sugar coat or leave anything out.
I know the only reason it went that well was because of all the people praying for us and our Amazing God who does it all.

I already feel the lifting of the burden. I know that going forward it will be better. I know I am truly valued. I know that I am worth working through things (and so is the other). It was difficult, but the frustration has lifted, and though I'm sure it will resurface at times, I know that I can bring it up and re-confront it more easily, and know that it is maintenance and something we both want to keep good. We are starting with a clean, forgiven slate, covered by love for each other (as sisters in Christ), and the Love that supports us above all else (God).

Today, I will go home feeling less burdened and stressed than I have in a long time.
Thanks be to God!

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 3)

I think today's the day.

Please be praying:
-clear thoughts (me)
-clear words (me)
-clear explanations and examples (me)
-understanding (other)
-listening ears (both)
-hearing heart (both)
-willingness to strive to make it better (both)

(and I don't wanna.)

edit: it's now 4:51 p.m. The conversation barely started. Then it was stopped. At the time, I was grateful for the respite, and the promise of tomorrow. I then (30 minutes later) realized I was running - even if not as far as usual. I decided to call a friend and ask her to pray that I was making the right decision. I went down. The decision was made for me. The other was gone. Now, I am frustrated. And irritated. Pray that tomorrow this will happen, regardless of feelings or emotions or lack of time. Pray for all the things listed above. With His help, I know I will be blameless and above reproach. With His help, I know I will have the strength to do this.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 2)

Well.

Today (unexpectedly) the process began.
And so far, there is concern for what could be said, and a desire (from the other party, as well as me) to have a good resolution, and make sure offense has not been caused (or taken). I told this person I was still thinking through everything in my head, and was not prepared to jump into the conversation (assuming I still think there needs to be one once I'm done thinking and praying about it) before I had time to really get through it all between myself and God. This positive (and slightly concerned) reaction makes me feel like it is worth attempting, but I really do strongly think that I need to finish really picking apart what is merely my mind issue and what needs to be addressed together. I even admitted that I would rather run away, but that I know that's not healthy for either of us(!).

I covet your prayers as I try to figure out the right way to move forward, and the timing of the conversation, and my words as they come out in the conversation. Pray also for the ears and heart that hear it (and mine, of course).

I thank my great God for His help in timing, and the very specific question I was asked that caused this start to the process. I don't honestly know if I would have started this (though I need to, and know it) without His push.

And we're off...

Conflict(s)... resolution...

What is your default?
Mine is to run away (avoid).
totally and completely.

and i have to stop that.
and it's hard.
and i don't want to (i want to run away from not running away).

and i know i should go bring it up.
regardless of what may happen (tears, frustration, etc. - or not).
and i don't want to.

but i think i have to.

How in the world.

It is Administrative Professionals Week.
Didn't realize that until I got a surprise fancy catered lunch and spa outing (with the other admins in my office).

Felt very pampered (and slightly guilty) while being served by the wonderful men who serve on staff (and a couple women), and got my nails done at a spa. We didn't even have to drive ourselves - we were driven in what is officially called "The Compass Bus" but more lovingly known as "The Turtle" (it is a 25 passenger bus).

Got back to work. Went to my desk. Told Facebook I was feeling pampered.
Less than 45 minutes later, that was no longer true.

How in the world.
Ugh.

Valentines Confessions

I feel like I haven't posted for awhile... but it hasn't actually been that long. today's post promises to be a bit... well, I don't want to say negative, but for lack of a better word...
Here we go.

Valentines day is coming.
I don't really care about it much.

In fact, I have been feeling... well...disillusioned. lost. frustrated.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to be all pouty or whatever, it's just that there is not a "real" reason for me to celebrate this season of love your special someone - cuz I don't have one. Sure, I could celebrate my love for my family, my friends, but let's be honest, this is mostly a celebration of that special person who has touched your life in a way no one else can. And what's making it all worse is how most of my friends (whom I greatly care about) are in a relationship like that - some newly and *ahem* oldly dating boyfriends/girlfriends, engaged couples, newly married couples, couples expecting babies... and I am very happy for them, honestly. I am glad that they have been blessed in such a special way. I would never begrudge them that.

And I also realize that not everything is chocolate and kisses and roses. I have witnessed the fights. I have seen the frustration. I have been the listening ear. But behind it, around it, mixed inexplicably with it, is the deep purposeful love that cannot even really be explained well - especially to one who hasn't been around it at all. It is making me jealous. Yeah, jealous.

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am jealous. I wish I could find that special someone. I wish I had someone to share some of my experiences with in that way. I have wonderful, caring friends. I have a great family. I have coworkers who are friends - truly. Those are all bonuses. I have a deep, meaningful relationship with my Creator. What else could I possibly need??

But the desire of my heart is to be a wife, and to be a mother. I cannot (despite the times I've tried) get rid of that desire. I cannot convince myself through other things that I don't want that. And I'm getting impatient. (I know, I know - be patient, quit looking, and "he" will "fall into your lap" - trust me, I've tried that many, MANY times, to no avail. And I was good - I really got to the point of being truly complete with myself in God - still feel that way, in fact - and still, nothing, which is frustrating because I can still feel lonely.) That probably means I'm not really there yet, or not really letting go enough yet, but I am not pining away here, folks. Just feeling a bit lonely here and there.

It terrifies me that I may not ever be blessed like that.
Really, it does.
It is such a deep longing, that I don't know how to even really admit that that might be God's plan for my life. I hate that I didn't want to even type the end of that sentence. How could God possibly allow me to desire something so deeply, if it isn't part of His plan for me?

Trust on.
Even if that's not seeming to "help" me right now.
I don't know what else to say or do.