I feel like I haven't posted for awhile... but it hasn't actually been that long. today's post promises to be a bit... well, I don't want to say negative, but for lack of a better word...
Here we go.
Valentines day is coming.
I don't really care about it much.
In fact, I have been feeling... well...disillusioned. lost. frustrated.
Don't get me wrong. I don't mean to be all pouty or whatever, it's just that there is not a "real" reason for me to celebrate this season of love your special someone - cuz I don't have one. Sure, I could celebrate my love for my family, my friends, but let's be honest, this is mostly a celebration of that special person who has touched your life in a way no one else can. And what's making it all worse is how most of my friends (whom I greatly care about) are in a relationship like that - some newly and *ahem* oldly dating boyfriends/girlfriends, engaged couples, newly married couples, couples expecting babies... and I am very happy for them, honestly. I am glad that they have been blessed in such a special way. I would never begrudge them that.
And I also realize that not everything is chocolate and kisses and roses. I have witnessed the fights. I have seen the frustration. I have been the listening ear. But behind it, around it, mixed inexplicably with it, is the deep purposeful love that cannot even really be explained well - especially to one who hasn't been around it at all. It is making me jealous. Yeah, jealous.
As much as I don't want to admit it, I am jealous. I wish I could find that special someone. I wish I had someone to share some of my experiences with in that way. I have wonderful, caring friends. I have a great family. I have coworkers who are friends - truly. Those are all bonuses. I have a deep, meaningful relationship with my Creator. What else could I possibly need??
But the desire of my heart is to be a wife, and to be a mother. I cannot (despite the times I've tried) get rid of that desire. I cannot convince myself through other things that I don't want that. And I'm getting impatient. (I know, I know - be patient, quit looking, and "he" will "fall into your lap" - trust me, I've tried that many, MANY times, to no avail. And I was good - I really got to the point of being truly complete with myself in God - still feel that way, in fact - and still, nothing, which is frustrating because I can still feel lonely.) That probably means I'm not really there yet, or not really letting go enough yet, but I am not pining away here, folks. Just feeling a bit lonely here and there.
It terrifies me that I may not ever be blessed like that.
Really, it does.
It is such a deep longing, that I don't know how to even really admit that that might be God's plan for my life. I hate that I didn't want to even type the end of that sentence. How could God possibly allow me to desire something so deeply, if it isn't part of His plan for me?
Even if that's not seeming to "help" me right now.
I don't know what else to say or do.