Anticipation

i have fridays off. starting tomorrow. continuing through (most) of july and one week into august.

i am very excited.

this week it is long overdue. i need it more than i know. which is funny to say, cuz i know i need it, but need it even more than that. oops, i just said that.

plans for the weekend (sat & sun will be VERY busy):
clean house. desperately need to. hope to see my bro on friday. we'll see if the plans work out. rehearsal on saturday afternoon. followed by the wedding of two dear friends. followed by their reception. which promises to be awesome. followed by sleep. followed by early call on sunday morning. followed by a meeting after the 11:00 service. followed by a connections bbq at church with friends. then exhaustion will set in and i will crash. monday is memorial day, and i may see family for breakfast...but again, we'll see if plans pan out. the only other plan on friday and/or monday is to rest, read my Bible (beginning a study of Philippians), and REST.

wish me luck.

Really, Tuesday?

Run away!
Run away!


edit: today, I need this.

Planning to Dive In

I have felt lately that my daily (ok, ok, weekly) devotions have not been what they should be (ahem: weekly...) and that part of the problem is that I have lost interest in what I'm studying.

I've been going through the Bible with the help of a yearly journal for 2 1/2 years now. I still am learning and gaining insight. I still believe that God is using the passages to teach me what I need to learn. Lately the theme has been the same (for several we- well, months actually) and it's coming from passages I have definitely read before - so there's your proof. Plus, it's sorta cool that those lesser-read passages are becoming more and more familiar.

However. I truly think that at the moment I'm just "going through the motions" and not in a good way. I want to dive in. I want to be challenged. I want to become more of a leader. I want to have to work harder at knowing my amazing God. Right now I kinda feel like I'm just floating. I'm doing what I have to, what I know is right. And I think that's an ok place to start, even an ok place to get to sometimes; but it's NOT ok to stay there once you realize you're there.

A few ... months?... ago I started reading these two books. I was so excited about them. But life got busy, and I put them under my table in a shoulder bag and haven't looked at them since. Until this morning. I only read a few paragraphs out of Deep Church, but I am already excited to get back into it and thinking through these things again. (While looking for the post to link about these books, I found this good reminder to myself... sheesh. How quickly I forget.)

Also, as recently shared, I began reading Crazy Love. This is another good one - full of great things to think through. I am seeing God working in my head and heart already through what I'm reading and what my small group discusses as a result.

I'm planning on getting a commentary and making my own Bible study. I need something that refuses to be surface. Something that will make me think it through things I may not have noticed before. Something that requires that I don't swallow it whole as truth, but interact with it and with The Truth so I come out more like Jesus. I'm not sure what book I'll be studying yet - I'll be figuring that out tonight - but probably something written by Paul to begin. We'll see...

Life has gotten a little nuts lately and I feel like I'm lost in a very dark cave on a very narrow bridge with no light to help guide me - just faith and trust in my great God (my!). I found another quote from myself that I found looking for appropriate posts to link is this one, and it's a little crazy, cuz this is where I am (again) but I sure didn't have this direct deliberate thought in my head. I've just been thinking 'take a step forward cuz what else can I do?' which is good, but without the remembering of WHY I'm doing that, it's still too depressing.

"it's scary. there isn't a path defined for me to follow. but i know Who i'm following, and have absolute faith in Him - no matter how scary it gets."

Thank God for this reminder. And for the desire to know Him better.

Don't Forget

I've been reading Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Great book. Good challenges. Awesome perspective on our great God.

"...maybe life is tough right now, and everything feels like a struggle... But in the presence of God, He gives us a deeper peace and joy that transcends it all."

"Your part is to bring Him glory... The point of your life is to point to Him."

"I am thankful for the unknowns and that I don't have control, because it makes me run to God."

"Are you ready?"

"...nothing matters except our King and God."

"Don't let yourself forget. Soak it in and keep remembering that it is true. He is everything."

Well today just got... interesting

But I can't tell you why. (sorry)

and i'm not sure i like it.
yikes.

Also, this just in...

Where are you going next year?

Further Thoughts on Minimalism

While reading the 30 page free preview (online) of Everett's book, there were many things to ponder. I'm on page 25, so I'm almost at the end without buying the whole book from him, (which I'm not quite ready to do yet) but he has many great points, and many ideas that are going to keep me thinking and re-evaluating for several days (at least).

He talks a lot about how to think about things, how to spend. The cheapest price is not always the best place to spend your money. He hints at (which I'm sure he goes into in detail further into the book) how to cook well for a healthy and minimalist lifestyle. There is much more, and some of it I won't be able to share without purchasing and reading the entire book. We'll see.

One of my favorite things I read so far from it was this:

The minimalist path
I've found that my own life, my journey through minimalist living has a cyclical pattern. some years i have more stuff, others I've purged everything.

Not everyone needs to take being minimalist to the extreme that I am right now. you'll find that some areas of your life could use some simplification, while others may need to just be left alone.

I know I'll be pondering this for quite some time.

Ideas, Blogs, Changes, & Minimalism

I have been working on re-vamping my blog (in case you hadn't noticed). I'm not done, and there are some things I'm still trying to figure out. I don't know how long it will take, and I don't know if it will even have any real effect other than making me mildly more pleased with what I do in my spare time. But there it is, and this is where we begin.

The result is this: I have been reading several blogs the past couple days as a research method for figuring out how to edit my own and make it more user friendly, more professional looking, etc. This included some for fun (and because I like how their blog is arranged), some by chance, some because I like their ideas and check in regularly to hear the newest musings, and some because they were recommended by those I trust.

I browsed around this site for awhile to see what this guy was all about. I haven't read it all yet (don't know if I will), and I haven't even fully formulated what I think of him, or whether I agree with all his ideas. Still, it's food for thought, and as I try to continually grow and become more the person I should be, I am excited to see/hear new ideas and gain insight from others. I've browsed the free sample of his e-book, and downloaded (though not yet read all of) his newest writing about starting a movement. Check out the free e-book here.

One of the most recent posts from my friend was pretty thought provoking. I have never thought about guest-posting. I don't know how I would go about that. I don't have tons of interaction with 'online friends' and most people who read this blog are friends or family that know me in 'real life'. I don't even know if I want this to get that big, that demanding of my time.

Then, because the most recent perusal has been from mr. minimalist, I was contemplating if that lifestyle was something I would ever be able to do myself. Would I be able to de-clutter my life to less than 100 things? Would I be able to support myself? What would I be willing to give up or change to see this happen? More importantly: What are my personal life goals? What does that look like if I am taking action to make them reality? Is all this thinking just that and nothing else? And if that's the case, should I knock it off and get back to work?

But it's interesting, and worth thinking about anyway. It makes me wonder if there is any way I could be good enough at this to 'accidentally' (or even purposely for that matter) earn my entire income (or even a bonus part of it) from writing online. I haven't looked into how to actually make that happen, and I don't know that I want to get there. I mean, it would be nice to have some extra money coming in because of the time I spend getting my thoughts out, and trying to bring something worthwhile to the board. However, that's not the goal here. The goal is what you're reading right now. Getting it out.

Thoughts? Reactions?
I'd appreciate your input.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (part last)

Today was the day.

Had the time to say what was needed.
God gave me the clarity (or enough) of words and thoughts.

I didn't lose it.

I was honest. I didn't sugar coat or leave anything out.
I know the only reason it went that well was because of all the people praying for us and our Amazing God who does it all.

I already feel the lifting of the burden. I know that going forward it will be better. I know I am truly valued. I know that I am worth working through things (and so is the other). It was difficult, but the frustration has lifted, and though I'm sure it will resurface at times, I know that I can bring it up and re-confront it more easily, and know that it is maintenance and something we both want to keep good. We are starting with a clean, forgiven slate, covered by love for each other (as sisters in Christ), and the Love that supports us above all else (God).

Today, I will go home feeling less burdened and stressed than I have in a long time.
Thanks be to God!

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 3)

I think today's the day.

Please be praying:
-clear thoughts (me)
-clear words (me)
-clear explanations and examples (me)
-understanding (other)
-listening ears (both)
-hearing heart (both)
-willingness to strive to make it better (both)

(and I don't wanna.)

edit: it's now 4:51 p.m. The conversation barely started. Then it was stopped. At the time, I was grateful for the respite, and the promise of tomorrow. I then (30 minutes later) realized I was running - even if not as far as usual. I decided to call a friend and ask her to pray that I was making the right decision. I went down. The decision was made for me. The other was gone. Now, I am frustrated. And irritated. Pray that tomorrow this will happen, regardless of feelings or emotions or lack of time. Pray for all the things listed above. With His help, I know I will be blameless and above reproach. With His help, I know I will have the strength to do this.

Conflict(s)... resolution... (p. 2)

Well.

Today (unexpectedly) the process began.
And so far, there is concern for what could be said, and a desire (from the other party, as well as me) to have a good resolution, and make sure offense has not been caused (or taken). I told this person I was still thinking through everything in my head, and was not prepared to jump into the conversation (assuming I still think there needs to be one once I'm done thinking and praying about it) before I had time to really get through it all between myself and God. This positive (and slightly concerned) reaction makes me feel like it is worth attempting, but I really do strongly think that I need to finish really picking apart what is merely my mind issue and what needs to be addressed together. I even admitted that I would rather run away, but that I know that's not healthy for either of us(!).

I covet your prayers as I try to figure out the right way to move forward, and the timing of the conversation, and my words as they come out in the conversation. Pray also for the ears and heart that hear it (and mine, of course).

I thank my great God for His help in timing, and the very specific question I was asked that caused this start to the process. I don't honestly know if I would have started this (though I need to, and know it) without His push.

And we're off...

Conflict(s)... resolution...

What is your default?
Mine is to run away (avoid).
totally and completely.

and i have to stop that.
and it's hard.
and i don't want to (i want to run away from not running away).

and i know i should go bring it up.
regardless of what may happen (tears, frustration, etc. - or not).
and i don't want to.

but i think i have to.

Welcome to May!

It's the first Monday of May.

I have a very busy (exciting) month coming up - weddings of people I love, my youngest brother's graduation from college - and am pretty much booked until June. I am looking forward to it all!

And... today I am giddy.
I have found myself giggling (literally) about silly things - sometimes I'm not even sure what I'm giggling about. I don't know how long it will last. I just know that so far today, I'm feeling ok, despite the decisions and thoughts that are still undecided and rolling around in my head.

Thank you, God Almighty, for this start to the week.