Still, I cannot get them off my mind. Prayer. That's all I can do. That's the only way I can get any of these feelings out.
It makes me wonder: I have thought about missions. Before my current job I was looking into missions organizations, trying to discern if that was the way God was leading me. Missions has been something that has been on my heart in many ways for quite a long time - since high school, actually. I have an aunt who was a missionary in Germany for a long time. I think that may have started it. I have never been on a missions trip for various reasons: lack of money, fear, bad timing, a plethora of others. And yet, I have often wondered (sometimes more than others) if God wants me to be a missionary somewhere other than here, where I am 'comfortable'. But the door has never opened. At least not yet.
And I find myself wondering, as I read the prayer requests and pray for my friends' family, would I be able to hold on to God and remain faithful if it was me? Would I be willing to admit that maybe God gave me a precious little girl for only a week of her (and my) life? Would I be able to love her the way they did? Would I be able to continue His work while dealing with such a devastating blow? How would I react? What would I do? Would I be able to trust Him wholly still? Would I be able to look forward to what He would do?
When I think these things, it scares me. I don’t want to doubt Him. But even more, I don’t want fear to be the reason I don’t obey. There is a very minimal possibility that I may have a chance to go on a missions trip myself before very long. The very idea terrifies me. But it excites me as well. I want to be abandoned to God. Wholly and completely. I want to be sold out to Him. And that is a terrifying, exciting, crazy thing.
And as I think about this, I am in such turmoil because I don’t know what He wants for me. I don’t know if that is the path I am on. I only know that I am striving to follow Him. I only know that He is leading me, and wherever He leads, I will follow. I will trust Him.
I know it is not easy. My own feelings right now, and the troubles around me are easy proof of that. But He never said it would be easy. He has set me apart (Psalm 4:3). He hears when I call. He directs my path (Proverbs 3:5-6).
I wonder where He is leading me.
And I will try not to be anxious in anything.
And I try to just trust the Lord my God.