on a day like this

i warn you, this is a little... stream-of-consciousness. and a little raw. proceed with caution and grace.
a day that is not different, not special, not really that crazy, but not exciting either...

i feel... unmotivated. almost lethargic. a bit lonely. a bit productive. a bit creative. tired. emotionally worn out. cold. sad. my heart is aching for some people i love, and they don't know it, and they probably wouldn't understand why.

...

this is the second time i've been in tears today.  the first time was so personal, i won't describe it here. this time its because i love those people. so. much. Jesus, hold them and help them know You are.

there's a ... thing... in my office that says "FAITH" and it is right across from my desk today. and i'm alone in here and while that has aided in the "get stuff accomplished" bit of the day (thank the Lord), it means i have a lot of quiet for my thoughts to roll around in my head. very few distractions (which i really do love on days like this). but FAITH. maybe that's it. maybe it's feeling a little shaken.

i've been reading a chapter of john's gospel each day since Feb. 4, and since Feb. 10 i've been reading a psalm and a proverb. it's been good. i've been reminded of things that God has done and will do and is doing, and how i can come to Him with literally everything i'm feeling. i love that He gave us people falling apart, people failing, and showed us how He used and completed them.

i want to be used. i want to be part of the creation that is glorifying Him. i know i'm not good enough alone. thankfully He is with me, in me. but it's still scary, and i'm not feeling very sure. i sort of wish He'd tell me more of the plan. but i realize that then i'd probably be even more frightened and i'd become one of those pillar statues, stuck and stone and unmoving. even so, it's frustrating.

and in so many ways, for so many reasons, for so many things, i don't want to wait anymore. 

so.

i cling to faith, by His grace.