What God will do...

There's this strange sensation I get when, in life, I'm coming up to something out-of-the-ordinary. Its almost like I'm just an observer of the moments passing by. My body goes through the motions, I think through and do what must be done, but it often feels almost surreal.

For example, when going on vacation, my mind starts lists. Lists of work to be done before I'm gone for a week, lists of things to buy, lists of things to pack. Lists of things to wash, snacks to pick up, projects to complete. These lists don't stop growing as i do them either. Its usually about the day or two before leaving that I finally finish making lists; sometimes I have completed them by that time too, if I'm lucky.

But the whole count down is in this strange slow-fast motion type pace. It feels simultaneously as if it will never come, and as though there cannot possibly be enough time to get done all the things that need doing.

Then, suddenly, its the night before. Everything is packed, bought, prepared, thought through. I go through the motions: suitcase, backpack, water bottle, keys by the door. Oh, and shoes. And a sweatshirt, just in case. I get ready for bed, double-checking that everything at home is cleaned up, in its place. It takes what seems like forever, but I finally fall asleep.

In the morning, I do what needs doing. I get ready, I eat breakfast, drink some coffee. Pack the car. If I'm working before heading out, the day is always surreal as well. Tying up loose ends: those known and unknown. And then it happens. I'm off. I'm free.

I try to be mentally present wherever I am. I try to thoroughly enjoy my time - whether alone, or with friends or family. I create fond memories, escape into books, take walks, listen to music, take pictures, listen to music, admire God's amazing creation. If its not just vacation, i pour myself into the tasks at hand joyfully and always am blessed with the company, the work, and those served.

All too soon, I am heading home. Once there I sleep and do laundry and try to be ready for "normal" when it comes again the next day. Inevitably, about midway through the normal routine that week back, I realize that I feel almost like the adventure happened to someone else - like i just read about it, a character in a book, instead of my own experiences. I have memories, pictures, journal entries that prove otherwise, but it feels like a story.

I don't understand that.

This morning, I will be at my church at 4:15 am to leave with a youth missions trip (I'm a leader...) for Jamaica. We'll be there for 8 days. We have some ideas about what we may do there but have also been advised to expect "nothing but for God to work through us," and "organized chaos."

The only big thing I'm really nervous about is the people I'm going with that I don't know. There are 30 of us - and 4 leaders. I know the other 3 leaders. Now, of course, I've met most of the students. A few are very talkative and sweet, and all are very welcoming. I know in my head that it'll be great, and we'll all get to know each other. But I guess I find it a little odd that this is my biggest concern. Of course, I've been praying for all aspects of the trip: safety, travel, God to move, unity, etc., but none of those things are weighing on me. I know God is and will be faithful to us in these regards. And of course, I know He'll carry my little introverted and shy self through and bring me out with new and deepened friendships, but there you go. My own personal prayer request for the next 9 days.

In just a few hours, I'll be boarding the first plane of the day. I sort of hate very much taking off and landing - though I've never had a really bad experience. By the end of the day, I'll be in a country I've never been in before, starting a new experience in my service to God.

I am nervous about a few things, but mostly (and most importantly), I am excited. I know God has brought me to this and made it all possible for me to go. All praise and glory to Him.

I can't wait to see what He does.

Tonight, just one thing

Tonight I've seen the Capital One commercial (50% more cash) about 12 times the past 2 days (catching up on The Voice, so good). And I have just one thing to say:

i just love Jimmy Fallon 

Seriously?!

I am a Christian. I stand solidly on the foundation of God and faith in Him. I am not ashamed (2 Tim. 2:15). This is important in light of what I'm about to share.

Today on my way to work, I came up behind someone who had one of those "I'm making a statement" sticker things on the back of their car. Usually it's the "Peace" one with all the different worldviews represented, or something from a kid's school (or their university), or those images of their family. Or opinions on the government: who they support(ed), go army, quit army, etc. Or 26.2 or 13.1. They are noticeable, they make a statement, they are not something i dwell on, but it is interesting to see what people want you to know about them.

This was like those, but not. Oh, so very not. It was huge, round, and white. It sort of looked home made. It covered at least a quarter of the back of the van. It said, in very large, handwritten letters, "Islam is Evil."

My heart almost stopped. "Oh my word," I thought. "That- wow. Wow! I'm actually offended by that! That is SO not the way to make your opinion known!" Now, of course, being a Christian, I think that those who are Muslims don't have it right in terms of eternity, who God is, and how we can be saved. That said, I whole-heartedly believe that the way to help another person transition in life from whatever it is they believe that is wrong (whether they be muslim, atheist, christian, buddhist, or anything else) is NOT in bashing what they believe! It comes through relationship, it comes through God working in their hearts and minds, it comes through conversation, through care - real, honest, truthful care of the PERSON. Each individual has a different spin on what they believe. That's how our minds work, and our hearts too.

The other part that breaks my heart is that it is often these types of bashers who are what the world sees as Christians. When I tell someone new that I'm a Christian, I can almost see them cringe as they think to themselves, "oh, she's one of those... well, I guess I'll put up with it today, but then, forget it." And I feel this immense pressure to out-live or over-live what they expect - the crazy, you're-going-to hell-you-awful-person-you, I'm-better-than-you-because-I-found-God - that just shouldn't be ANYONE's first impression of God (because that's what we are, folks, if we're Christians).

That's all I have to say right now. There's more rolling around up in my head, but I don't have the time to flesh it all out at the moment (it is a workday after all). Maybe I'll get it out this weekend.

In the mean time, let's all be truthful (I don't go for the "inclusion-of-all" thing) but let's not bash people with it, ok?

an unexpected discovery (and rediscoveries)

tonight i stumbled upon a poem called "How To Be Alone" by Tanya Davis. i encourage you to watch it by clicking here. it's about 4 1/2 minutes long, and is spoken over music that is rather soothing, though not quite what i would expect, even when i don't know what to expect most of the time. it's beautiful, and Tanya's rhythm as she speaks is mesmerizing and strangely comforting.

i found it as it was recommended by Daniela Andrade, a singer whose music style i have really enjoyed since the first time i ever saw/heard her. in looking for what i'm about to share with you, i've rediscovered some of my favorite music. she does covers and originals, and is amazing. two of my favorites can be found here: Coldplay - Us Against the World (cover) (3:58) // Tea (original) (2:46).

more links to Daniela's songs, since i can't really pick just one:
Zee Avi - Honey Bee (cover)
Jose (original)
Settlements (original)
Alicia Keys - If I Ain't Got You (cover)

decisions

wow. everything i can think to write right now has a negative spin on it. :( not good.

i have some BIG decisions in my life right now, and because i am waiting on God to guide me and am not yet sure what that means, i won't go into any details. suffice it to say it would be a big change in almost every way, and despite the things i am fearing, i also am very excited about it. i hope i can find some clarity and definitive answers soon so i can start "shouting from the mountaintops" as it were.

in the mean time sitting here, slogging through the day to day is getting rougher. it's harder to sit still. it's harder to keep going. to be motivated, internally or externally. i just want to sit outside in the fresh air, read books, listen to music, eat lunch with friends, talk about possibilities.

God, give me strength to keep doing what you've asked me to do - even for a time.
i just feel so ... restless.

"if you feel my love"

(over the past couple days i've seen this phrase a few places, and a tune has been running through my head. i have no idea what the tune is - it's probably parts of about a thousand songs that have lines like this one in them. in any case, tonight as i was humming to myself, this -bizarre- poem started to write itself. it is not intended to make sense, since it doesn't, and it is not meant to be a song or a thematic anything. it just wanted to come out.)

blue. deep blue.
stucco on my ceiling.
the soothing sound of steam
while i’m agitated. anxious.

i smell something soft and furry
it’s crazy since i have no pet,
but i do.
it's sort of calming.
the dim light of my bedside lamp
makes the atmosphere for a tired evening

“if you feel my love,”
you can come closer
but you don’t,
so you can’t.
neither can i

just lonely.
just quiet.
just peace.

despite all my words
i don’t have much to say
and none of it makes
any sense

but it’s ok.
let's just leave it be
at least tonight

on lethargy

ever have one of those days when you just cannot accomplish ... ANYTHING??

today was like that. yesterday was full of meetings, which sort of kills the day. then i went home to clean (yay for finally putting christmas away!) and followed that with some fun things (dye your hair, paint your nails, watch quirky british detective-meets-horticulture show) for myself; my reward for a crazy week last week.

today i planned to accomplish much. but after "settling in" at work took FAR more than the usual 20 minutes this morning, i kind of just putzed around until lunch, then rushed back for a meeting after which i ACOMPLISHED NOTHING. seriously, i know i did get some things done today, but i just felt so lethargic! i couldn't shake it either, so that was a little weird. usually i can shake it by taking a little walk, getting some fresh water, or chatting to a friend for a few minutes. today, no dice. i couldn't get focused. i couldn't even remember from one moment to the next what it was i was planning to do next!

yes, i know: tomorrow's another day! it will keep! it's ok to have days like this! we all do! but it certainly was a little disconcerting. not terrible, but i sure hope it doesn't continue into tomorrow or it will be a very very VERY long night - and that would not be good!

in a little bit, i'm off to small group to connect with friends and God's Word. here's hoping it resets both my energy and focus levels and makes tomorrow much more productive. ;)