decisions

wow. everything i can think to write right now has a negative spin on it. :( not good.

i have some BIG decisions in my life right now, and because i am waiting on God to guide me and am not yet sure what that means, i won't go into any details. suffice it to say it would be a big change in almost every way, and despite the things i am fearing, i also am very excited about it. i hope i can find some clarity and definitive answers soon so i can start "shouting from the mountaintops" as it were.

in the mean time sitting here, slogging through the day to day is getting rougher. it's harder to sit still. it's harder to keep going. to be motivated, internally or externally. i just want to sit outside in the fresh air, read books, listen to music, eat lunch with friends, talk about possibilities.

God, give me strength to keep doing what you've asked me to do - even for a time.
i just feel so ... restless.

"if you feel my love"

(over the past couple days i've seen this phrase a few places, and a tune has been running through my head. i have no idea what the tune is - it's probably parts of about a thousand songs that have lines like this one in them. in any case, tonight as i was humming to myself, this -bizarre- poem started to write itself. it is not intended to make sense, since it doesn't, and it is not meant to be a song or a thematic anything. it just wanted to come out.)

blue. deep blue.
stucco on my ceiling.
the soothing sound of steam
while i’m agitated. anxious.

i smell something soft and furry
it’s crazy since i have no pet,
but i do.
it's sort of calming.
the dim light of my bedside lamp
makes the atmosphere for a tired evening

“if you feel my love,”
you can come closer
but you don’t,
so you can’t.
neither can i

just lonely.
just quiet.
just peace.

despite all my words
i don’t have much to say
and none of it makes
any sense

but it’s ok.
let's just leave it be
at least tonight

on lethargy

ever have one of those days when you just cannot accomplish ... ANYTHING??

today was like that. yesterday was full of meetings, which sort of kills the day. then i went home to clean (yay for finally putting christmas away!) and followed that with some fun things (dye your hair, paint your nails, watch quirky british detective-meets-horticulture show) for myself; my reward for a crazy week last week.

today i planned to accomplish much. but after "settling in" at work took FAR more than the usual 20 minutes this morning, i kind of just putzed around until lunch, then rushed back for a meeting after which i ACOMPLISHED NOTHING. seriously, i know i did get some things done today, but i just felt so lethargic! i couldn't shake it either, so that was a little weird. usually i can shake it by taking a little walk, getting some fresh water, or chatting to a friend for a few minutes. today, no dice. i couldn't get focused. i couldn't even remember from one moment to the next what it was i was planning to do next!

yes, i know: tomorrow's another day! it will keep! it's ok to have days like this! we all do! but it certainly was a little disconcerting. not terrible, but i sure hope it doesn't continue into tomorrow or it will be a very very VERY long night - and that would not be good!

in a little bit, i'm off to small group to connect with friends and God's Word. here's hoping it resets both my energy and focus levels and makes tomorrow much more productive. ;)