on being creative

i have a very creative mind.
but you'd (probably) never know it.

i have a very detailed, organized mind too.
now you're nodding your head. you know that version of me.

sometimes i worry... strike that. sometimes i am terrified that if i let my creativity out someone will see it. "What!?!?" you ask. "Isn't that what you're supposed to do with creativity? Let it out?"

well, yes.
but i am also an introvert. which means the inner workings of my mind are very intense, very detailed, and very private. it also means that letting anyone in (or anything out) is a very scary venture.

i have done it a few times.
i shared a short story, the beginning of a... book(?), and a poem. i love these things. i got wonderful feedback - not all positive, but none that was mean or overly harsh - critical to help me improve. it was amazing.

and i like the organized me. i love new pens, sharpened pencils, paper, lists to check off, lines to draw on. my favorite paper right now (yes, i have a favorite paper) is the graphed moleskein ones. to write in one of those is absolute JOY. i am not kidding. (some of you know exactly what i mean.)

i like that i can spot or think of details to make something happen that doesn't cross another's mind (though admittedly sometimes that is annoying as well).

there have been so many days lately when i have longed to write. the only way i can describe it is that i feel an itch to write. like i can't stand/sit still because i feel like i need to work on one of my writing projects. thinking over them gets me excited. but then i get home after work, when i have time, and just stare at the screen. and the idea of ever finishing, and beyond that, sharing it with anyone outside my own head... YIKES.

like i said, terrifying.
i even think, having written this much, that part of that is why there's been a FOUR month (!) lag on this blog. today, i decided enough was enough, and something had to give. get the itch out.

i have a very creative, yet detailed, organized, and introverted mind.
this post is the next step to making it work itself out.   ;)

Cling to Him

that's what I'm doing today. clinging.

on a day like this

i warn you, this is a little... stream-of-consciousness. and a little raw. proceed with caution and grace.
a day that is not different, not special, not really that crazy, but not exciting either...

i feel... unmotivated. almost lethargic. a bit lonely. a bit productive. a bit creative. tired. emotionally worn out. cold. sad. my heart is aching for some people i love, and they don't know it, and they probably wouldn't understand why.

...

this is the second time i've been in tears today.  the first time was so personal, i won't describe it here. this time its because i love those people. so. much. Jesus, hold them and help them know You are.

there's a ... thing... in my office that says "FAITH" and it is right across from my desk today. and i'm alone in here and while that has aided in the "get stuff accomplished" bit of the day (thank the Lord), it means i have a lot of quiet for my thoughts to roll around in my head. very few distractions (which i really do love on days like this). but FAITH. maybe that's it. maybe it's feeling a little shaken.

i've been reading a chapter of john's gospel each day since Feb. 4, and since Feb. 10 i've been reading a psalm and a proverb. it's been good. i've been reminded of things that God has done and will do and is doing, and how i can come to Him with literally everything i'm feeling. i love that He gave us people falling apart, people failing, and showed us how He used and completed them.

i want to be used. i want to be part of the creation that is glorifying Him. i know i'm not good enough alone. thankfully He is with me, in me. but it's still scary, and i'm not feeling very sure. i sort of wish He'd tell me more of the plan. but i realize that then i'd probably be even more frightened and i'd become one of those pillar statues, stuck and stone and unmoving. even so, it's frustrating.

and in so many ways, for so many reasons, for so many things, i don't want to wait anymore. 

so.

i cling to faith, by His grace.

Five Years

Today. Today, five years ago, I started work at The Compass Church (which was then known as EFCN). It has not necessarily been an easy 5 years, but I would say they have been good overall.

In that time I have deepened friendships that were just beginning, as well as made some even in the past 7-8 months that I never saw coming (isn't God good?). I have learned a lot - about myself, about my faith, about my stubbornness (or perhaps diligence), about my job and my abilities. I have some regrets, of course, but often those things I neglected or mistook or screwed up have been the motivation that has pushed me onward and upward.

I have gotten excited too about what I can imagine for the future. Some of these things seem so far out of reach, or out of my "zone of ability" (whatever that is). Others just seem like the type of thing you daydream about but never actually have the time or money to do (travel, film and edit things, etc.). But some of these things seem... within reach. Sort of.

I mean, there are many obstacles no matter what we do in life. When I started my job, I hoped I'd still be there, still like it in 5 years, but I honestly just wasn't sure. Now that I've reached that milestone, I have no idea what the next 5 will hold. I may still be here, doing what I'm doing, making what tiny difference I can with what I've been given. I may live somewhere else. I may not know any of my close friends in the same way anymore (woah, just got a bit depressing, let's move it along quickly, ok?) and I may have a few (or many) new ones I've yet to meet. But I see possibilities, and that's exciting.

While today is a milestone of sorts, and one I haven't crossed before, it is also just another day. Another day in the life God has given me to use my gifts to the best of my ability to glorify Him. And in the end, that's the whole point to anything I ever do. The future, whatever it holds, can come as it may.

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas

Here in the midwest, I swear it is spring. At least, that's what the temperatures tell me. Sheesh. I want cold. I want white. I almost don't even really feel like it's Christmastime!

I know, I know, Christmas isn't about the weather, or any other such insignificant things. But I'm a "winter girl" (as my mom likes to call me), and I really am hoping that by Christmas Eve (or Day at the very least) we have some white on the ground.

Sometimes I feel like Lorelei from Gilmore Girls - I can smell the cold in the air, the snow that should be coming, and it excites me (more than others, it often seems). So when I walk out of a building, my brain telling me that it's December so it will be crisp outside, and I walk out to spring temps and humidity, I feel a bit let down. Come on, Midwest, don't you know it's time to be cold over here?!

Seriously though, my advent calendar is out, my Christmas gifts are being wrapped, and I am excited that in just 20 more days I'll be home with family, celebrating the birth of the greatest Gift I have ever been given.

And for that, I'm thankful, no matter the weather.

Woah.

This has been a rough week for many many reasons. I can't even sort it all out in my head, much less here. There is a lot of (good) change going on, as well as other shifts that are a little more difficult, but necessary.

But, there have been some good things that have been very very uplifting in the process, and that has helped a lot. It doesn't fix everything, but it makes it a little more bearable. I just hope I can sleep a lot tomorrow, and maybe watch some Sherlock to help me take my mind off everything - at least for a little while.

basics

Came across this article yesterday thanks to a former teacher/coach (thanks Walsh). Here are a couple things that really resonated with me:

"... we need to go back to the basics of living as disciples of Christ, living missionally for Christ and demonstrating the Gospel in tangible ways within our schools, workplaces and communities."

"... the fight over symbolic issues is backfiring, alienating people from the truths of the gospel rather than attracting them to it. The kind of Christianity the world responds to is the authentic "love your neighbor" kind. Its appeal can't be legislated through court battles and neither can courts stop its spread."

I'm still stewing on how this comes out and how to make it not just "good thoughts" in my head, but truth, Christ in action.

I read some debate about it where he had posted it and it was really good to get me beyond just thinking it was interesting and moving on with my day. I have some changing to do. Hope it gets you thinking too.