Insomnia...?

I went to bed at 10p tonight with the intention of being asleep by 10:30/11p. I finished checking my social media sites for the night (hadn't seen much this weekend - busy!) and snuggled in. Obviously, my plan didn't pan out. It's now nearly 3:30a as I type this, and I'm so tired but awake. I figured I'd get out some of my thoughts and try for sleep again. 6:30a is coming REALLY soon.

The thing is, I can't figure out what my issue is. I am a night owl, but usually by 12:30a at the latest, I'm done in - I can't keep my eyes open. So, I started to wonder if this is beginning stages of insomnia (does that even exist?) or if it's just a bad sleep pattern. I began thinking through my weekend.

I was up late Friday with a friend, but not ridiculously so. Saturday was a busy day. Then, I was up late Saturday because I couldn't sleep, despite going to bed at a pretty normal hour. I got 4 hours of sleep before waking up (late) for work. I ran around all morning, but had a relaxing afternoon and evening. And I'm still awake.

Is it just a weird weekend? Is it the time change? Is it stress? I have tons going on at work, but this week will likely be actually manageable, and less stressful than normal, but certainly not more stressful. So I can't imagine that's it. Is it residual effects of the stress that is happening now that there's the tiniest of lulls?

I suppose it could also be partly just needing more fresh air. This winter has been a long one, and I can't rightly express to you how glad I am that the high tomorrow (today) is 53 degrees. Even if I'll be in my windowless office for most of it. It could just be spring fever. I rearranged my desk space at work last Friday because I needed a manageable change - and have no real space/way to do that at home right now.

Whatever it is, I can't think of anymore options. And since I really do have to be up in 3 hours, I'm gonna let that be it (unfinished as it is... let's hope that doesn't keep me awake) and try to get some sleep so I can make it through tomorrow.

'night....

Thankful

Just be thankful.
an exercise in thankfulness.

1. I have been saved by grace.
2. I have been loved first by God, and chosen as His own.
3. I have been loved as unconditionally as humanly possible by my parents.
4. I have 2 brothers who love me.
5. I have a sister who loves me. 
6. I have a niece and 3 nephews who I adore. 
7. I have best friends who love me.
8. I have several other "inner circle" friends who love me.
9. I have grandparents who love me and pray for me daily.
10. My close friends and family challenge me when necessary.
11. These people comfort and encourage me when necessary.
12. I have so many prayer warriors that I really cannot fathom being so lucky.
13. I have a job which I was clearly directed to by God.
14. I have a home, and a great roommate.
15. I have many material blessings - both necessities and non-necessities.
16. I can escape into many amazing worlds through reading and writing.
17. I can use my talents and my gifts for God's glory, and try to do so often.
18. I am capable of learning new information and skills.
19. I am able to give back to the Lord because He has given so much to me.
20. God provides for me every day, even when I don't realize it or recognize it.
21. God chose me, so I can be part of his Kingdom.
22. God loves me, so I can be His vessel to love others as well.
23. God gifted me, so I can be His instrument here on earth.
24. God created me, and He doesn't make mistakes.
25. God allows me to experience suffering, because I learn to trust Him more, and am a witness for His strength and goodness through my experiences.
26. God gives me time of renewal so I don't give up.
27. God is the reason I exist. Glorifying Him is the purpose of my life.
28. God is good.
29. God is just.
30. God is patient.
31. God is faithful.

On Poetry

A friend of mine decided to do a poetry challenge on Facebook, which is that someone gives you a poet and you share a poem you love/like by them. She was given Silverstein, and posted “Hug O’ War.” I liked her post and so she gave me a poet to post. Now, I know some poetry, but nearly as much as I would like. I like some Thoreau, Cummings, Whitman, Dickinson. And I know Poe, Frost, and Shakespeare, of course, along with others we had to learn/read in school. And I love Shel Silverstein, as most who’ve been children in this recent era do.

I have a book of Dickinson and a book of Thoreau at home, and love occasionally taking time to just sit and slowly read through some of their pages, letting the words seep in. I have, of course, read much Shakespeare thanks to school and being part of drama departments.

For the challenge, I was given E.E. Cummings.

I thought it’d be hard to find one I liked, and I even started to search Google to read through some and pick one out. Then I remembered I keep this one on me most of the time. I saw it about a year ago somewhere online, and it is so perfect. It is a redirect, a prayer of thanksgiving, a recognition of the amazing world around me, and a reminder of how amazing each day is. It is my favorite by him. Even though I haven't read all there is from him, I find it hard to imagine this one being displaced.

i thank You God for most this amazing
day:for the leaping greenly spirits of trees
and a blue true dream of sky; and for everything
which is natural which is infinite which is yes

(i who have died am alive again today,
and this is the sun’s birthday; this is the birth
day of life and of love and wings: and of the gay
great happening illimitably earth)

how should tasting touching hearing seeing
breathing any–lifted from the no
of all nothing–human merely being
doubt unimaginable You?

(now the ears of my ears awake and
now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

Even if you don't love it like I do, don't you find it encouraging?

I think poetry is one of the best things for expressing emotion. Not that other types of writing can't or don't do that, but poetry seems to capture the way my mind thinks in lines that sometimes seem (or are) disconnected while still communicating an overall direction of emotion(s). I love that each line can be an independent thought, or that it can intersect with others to make a larger thought, depending on how it's written and how you're thinking. In the poem above I love the parenthetical phrases that are like the unspoken thoughts in the mind of the writer. I love how it flows and includes questions and an epiphany. The honesty, and wonder, and amazement.

Inspiring and uplifting.

I hate goals.

I don't really go in for Goals for the Year. The years I've thought about it, I only take on a couple and most of them deal with physical appearance, or personal Bible study. These are not bad things - but I put so much pressure on myself that I paralyze myself and the goal sputters out. I fail every time. I don't fail completely - I meet the goal for a while, or to a certain extent, but I never reach the entire goal I set for myself.

With that in mind, last year, I set NOT ONE GOAL. It was really nice. That's not to say I don't have goals in my life, but I didn't have a "new years resolution" or anything that resembled it.

This year, I'm part of a wonderful group of ladies who is setting goals for 3 months - Jan-Mar 2014 to stick by. Many of us are setting goals for the year, but knowing that the accountability is to see it through to March. Some are about activities, some are about not watching TV, some are about doing more things intentionally with their kids. It's seriously awesome to be part of this group - I've only met one of them IRL, and we are all in different life stages for one reason or another, but I feel like we are all on the same page. It's wonderful.

I have a few goals, but my number one goal is this: Bible reading/study. To be more diligent (much more). I plan to just READ the Word. To let God speak to me and not expect anything. My goal is to read (at minimum)15 minutes per day. I refuse to pressure myself into the goal of how much of the Bible to read this year, but ONLY because I know how it effects my sustainability and my focus, as well as the feeling that it's daunting. I've read the whole Bible in a year, and I think if I focus differently (at least 15 min per day), it'll get me further.

I read so much outside the Bible. Anyone who talks to me for very long at all knows that I LOVE books. They are more than an escape, they are... rejuvenating, educational, encouraging, an emotional outlet, friends. When I have free time, it's one of the very first things I can't wait to do. I will stay up far too late reading, easily, and often.

Why don't I read the stories God has given me the same way?

They are far more uplifting, educational, rejuvenating, emotional, and filled to the absolute top with the Love of my Creator.

That's why my main goal, which will inform and help the others succeed is to spend more time just reading the words my amazing God has given me freely.

Goal: set. Bring it on.

On Marriage (& Singleness)

I am a single girl in her early thirties. I have many friends in each demographic, though admittedly, most are in the realm of a decade more or less than myself in terms of age. Lately, I have been thinking about singleness and "the Singles" quite a bit; how (the royal) we are treated in the church vs. in the world, how we think about one another, how we think about marriage. I have been through many emotions - anger, fear, jealousy, loneliness, relief, apathy, and yes, happiness - in the past few months with regards to this area of my life.

I started writing about it as far as it relates to the church, but haven't had time to really flesh out my thoughts. The general overview is that most people, married and single alike, tend to view church as a large dating pool for singles. Once you have a husband or, especially, kids, church becomes a different, purposeful place (usually). But for the single male or female, it's where you hunt for an acceptable spouse. This is damaging in so many ways. I have had mental, emotional, and even spiritual anguish in the past few years because of the way I've been spoken to, the off-handed comments to the deeper discussions, that assume I'm not a whole person because I'm not a wife.

I am whole. God loves me, Jesus saved me, the Spirit guides me. I. Am. Whole.

Don't get me wrong. I would love to be married, to be a mom. I pray for my future husband (oops, see that? I'm doing it to myself...) and (here we go again) children. I sincerely hope that those people are in my future, and believe that it is good to pray for them - even if I never meet them. I have a desire for them that I can't explain. But I know people I love who had (or still have, possibly) that desire, and yet it has never happened for them. I hesitate to just drop my desire in the misquoted "God will grant you the desires of your heart" we're all so fond of in the church (in general). That isn't even the actual meaning of that verse - do your research (it's Psalm 37:4). Still, why do I feel so strongly if it is never going to happen?

I spend more time than I'd like to admit wondering about these things, but it has dropped off lately. Then today, I came across a video from someone I sometimes watch on YouTube: Michael Aranda. He's not a Christian (as far as I know or can tell), he's 27 years old, and a lot of what he (very honestly) says resonated with me strongly. It struck me because he's much the opposite of me (a non-Christian guy) but I expect things much the way he does.



This made me think, once again, about my own thoughts, my own dreams, my own expectations; how have I set myself up to ruin potential relationships - or even the friendships I have had? How have I set myself up for unrealistic expectations and what impact could that have on any future relationship I might have? It's a little fairly daunting.

The thing is, I don't know if I have a right to even ask myself some of those questions. My life is full. I have family I love and get along with well - even extended family, and even if I see them once every 5 years or so. I have friends to geek out with over Doctor Who and Sherlock and Psych and NCIS. I have other friends who are so close that they are my "chosen" family - they are the ones who see me the most raw and the most honest, the most often. I have prayer warriors. I have encouragers. I even have kids in my life! A niece and 3 nephews who are adorable, hilarious, crazy little people - and they love me right back, even if it's been a while since I've seen them. These are huge blessings.

The pressure of society to be married doesn't really start the same time as the church. At church, it feels weird (in my experience) once you're 23-24 and not married, or at least in a serious enough relationship to expect engagement. Society doesn't seem to have an issue as much until you're hitting your thirties or so, but it's the same force weighing down unless you can really convince someone that it's not something you want. People say all kinds of stuff to help make you feel better or give advice. You get "oh, it'll happen, don't worry," and "stop looking, he'll show up," and "you just haven't been out enough yet." At church it's, "Maybe God's still working on him," and "I'll be praying for you." I've also often heard "Be glad you're still single," and "enjoy your singleness, because marriage is so hard, you have no idea." All of these things are said most often with the deepest level of sincerity, helpfulness and kindness, and I don't discount that. But it implies that I'm missing something, or that I am not good enough ... even if it's not yet. For someone who struggles with self-esteem already (thanks again, society and sin), this is so far from helpful.

I am good enough - but only because God made me. And it's not "good enough for a husband" but just good enough as a person. Because at the end of the day, I'm the only me, and I'm His.

Also, I feel like I have to say this, to be very clear: I know marriage isn't a fix-all for the single life. But marriage isn't the only hard life either. We all have struggles and temptations and relationships to deal with and live through together. We can certainly talk with each other - but KNOW the person you're talking with well enough to know when to stop, and how to say it, and even if you should.

I have so many more thoughts rolling around, but this post has already gotten much longer than I initially intended, and the rest is even less cohesive. So for now, if you're single, check where your worth and your thoughts lie, gauge your motivation and your expectations, and don't set up the perfect marriage as the goal of your life. If you're married, be very careful how you say what you say, because we know you love us, and want us to be happy like you are (or happier than you are), but it is very easy to say hurtful things when they aren't meant that way. For all of us: we ought to be excited with and for each other in each step through life, supporting one another fully, and not putting our own expectations onto anyone else.

My prayer is that God will grant us the graciousness and wisdom to deal with each other, and trust Him in every circumstance and relationship. ;)

Weird Number Thoughts

Most people have a favorite  number, right? What's that about? Weird. And yes, I have one: 8. (Isn't it pretty?)

People often seem to also have an affinity with evens or odds, or primes, or whatever. In general,  I like evens. But 5's are usually ok too (15, 35, 185). Folks'll eat M&Ms or Skittles in even numbers (or odd ones, though that doesn't sit right with me), and some are so committed, they'll toss the extras (or give them away) to keep things in balance. (Don't waste the chocolate! I do not do this, I just eat the offenders first and then happily end the process with my evens.) Sometimes I do it by color, or by color groups - but when a color group is, say, 7 colors, then i have to have an even number of each color. I really don't like it when there's only one yellow (or whatever) in the package. AH! Disorganization! At least it doesn't throw off my whole day.

The funny thing is, I'm not overly fond of 4's. I like 4, itself, and 24 is ok too, but 14? Ew. No. 34 is pretty bad too. 74 drives me nuts. I mean, 4 is half of 8, so it should be fine, right? I think it's because I like those 5's better. Strangely the 6s present no issue. It really makes no sense. It's a strange sensation.

Why do we identify with numbers? Why do we seem to have preferences for one or a group of them? Why evens and odds? (Is there anyone who prefers odds?) Why do we care?


{I feel a strong need to insert a cheeky "the world may never know" and leave it there.} ;)

It's just weird.... or maybe it's one way we're all weird together, but separate.

What do you do?

What do you do when you don't know what step to take next?

No, really. What do you do?
I worry. Then I realize I missed something vitally important, and I pray. Then I worry some more. And then pray some more. Then I find myself wondering what logistical or physical step I could take to move forward, but I (more often than not) have no idea where to start. So then the worrying starts anew.

I hate it.
So, in the interest of pushing myself into a good next step, I'd like to hear yours.
Would you share it with me?