What do you do?

What do you do when you don't know what step to take next?

No, really. What do you do?
I worry. Then I realize I missed something vitally important, and I pray. Then I worry some more. And then pray some more. Then I find myself wondering what logistical or physical step I could take to move forward, but I (more often than not) have no idea where to start. So then the worrying starts anew.

I hate it.
So, in the interest of pushing myself into a good next step, I'd like to hear yours.
Would you share it with me?

Beethoven's Symphony No. 7 in A Major Op 92. Allegretto

This piece of music moves me in a way I cannot really explain.
Press play and then read on as I try...



It thrills my heart, my mind with the very first chord. It starts with an announcement, then, softly, slowly, it begins gathering strength...

There is a melancholy edge to it. And yet, there is something triumphant there as well. It tells a story, but that story seems to change every time I listen. It can be exciting, comforting, soothing, romantic, encouraging, or commiserative. I see sweeping landscapes, slow-motion glances from one to another, beautiful ballet across a stage. I see children laughing and dancing. I see Disney's Fantasia.. I see friends grinning at me across a room. I see loved ones sitting next to me sobbing into pillows.

As the dynamics swell and diminish, the scene changes, the emotion shifts.

Sometimes it depends on my mood, sometimes it enhances or changes it.

It swells in and out and around your heart, and then it drifts off into the stillness... but not without one last statement on it's way out.

This is the best I can do.
There is nothing quite like music.
And nothing quite like this piece.

Crumble

What do you do when everything crumbles around you?

I have a tendency to crumble with it. Not right away, not quickly, but I do indeed crumble. There have been a few times that things were built back up fast enough that I did not fall before it was resurrected. Usually, though, even if it's briefly, I crack. I find myself in a real struggle mentally, emotionally, and even spiritually - though I don't always recognize that part of it.

So what do you do? How do you keep going and not just sit at home moping or crying or hiding from everything and everyone? Well, for me, it's often found in music. Which then leads me to Scripture, which is the spoken Word from God to me. (!) And of course, the best place to go is God - so even though I pray a lot through whatever circumstance I find myself in, the

music --> Scripture --> God's heart 

is the path that takes me outside my own head and realigns me with the One who can not only sort it out, but make it worth it.

Today, the song thankfully stuck in my head is Everything Falls by Fee. Specifically repeating:

You said You'd never leave or forsake me
When you said, this life is gonna shake me
...
There will be storms in this life
But I know You will overcome, you have overcome
...
When everything falls apart Your arms hold me together
When everything falls apart You're the only hope for this heart
When everything falls apart and my strength is gone
I find You mighty and strong, You keep holding on

God is, indeed, good.  And the best place to begin rebuilding is worship.

Twelve Years

Today, I don't have much to say that hasn't been said. That may change in the future, but September 11th, 2001 is forever branded in my mind - what I saw, thought, felt, experienced. And I was safe in the midwest (though throughout the day(s)/weeks following Chicago was under a potential threat warning). I still pray for them whenever I think of those who still deal with the loss of loved ones because of that tragic day. Twelve years is plenty of time for healing and renewal (and yet not nearly enough). This morning I read this poem, posted by an author I admire, and it seemed to suffice for today. His original post can be found at fishingboatproceeds.tumblr.com.

Were I not frail and half broken inside,
I wouldn’t be thinking of them, who are, like me, half broken inside.
I would not climb the cemetery hill by the church
To get rid of my self pity.
Crazy Sophies,
Michaels who lost every battle,
Self-destructive Agathas
Lie under crosses with their dates of birth and death. And who
Is going to express them? Their mumblings, weepings, hopes, tears of humiliation?
In hospital muck and the smell of urine,
With their weak and contorted limbs,
And eternity close by. Improper. Indecent.
Like a dollhouse crushed by wheels, like
An elephant trampling a beetle, an ocean drowning an island.
Our stupidity and childishness do nothing to fit us
For this variety of last things.
They had no time to grasp anything of their individual lives,
Any principium individuationis.
Nor do I grasp it, yet what can I do?
Enclosed all my life in a nutshell,
Trying in vain to become something
Completely different from what I was.

Thus we go down into the earth, my fellow parishioners,
With the hope that the trumpet of judgment will call us by our names.
Instead of eternity, greenness and the movement of clouds.
They rise then, thousands of Sophies, Michaels, Matthews,
Marias, Agathas, Bartholomews.
So at last they know why
And for what reason?

–Czeslaw Milosz

(John first heard this poem read by Robert Hass on the NPR program Fresh Air, on September 21st, 2001.)

on being creative

i have a very creative mind.
but you'd (probably) never know it.

i have a very detailed, organized mind too.
now you're nodding your head. you know that version of me.

sometimes i worry... strike that. sometimes i am terrified that if i let my creativity out someone will see it. "What!?!?" you ask. "Isn't that what you're supposed to do with creativity? Let it out?"

well, yes.
but i am also an introvert. which means the inner workings of my mind are very intense, very detailed, and very private. it also means that letting anyone in (or anything out) is a very scary venture.

i have done it a few times.
i shared a short story, the beginning of a... book(?), and a poem. i love these things. i got wonderful feedback - not all positive, but none that was mean or overly harsh - critical to help me improve. it was amazing.

and i like the organized me. i love new pens, sharpened pencils, paper, lists to check off, lines to draw on. my favorite paper right now (yes, i have a favorite paper) is the graphed moleskein ones. to write in one of those is absolute JOY. i am not kidding. (some of you know exactly what i mean.)

i like that i can spot or think of details to make something happen that doesn't cross another's mind (though admittedly sometimes that is annoying as well).

there have been so many days lately when i have longed to write. the only way i can describe it is that i feel an itch to write. like i can't stand/sit still because i feel like i need to work on one of my writing projects. thinking over them gets me excited. but then i get home after work, when i have time, and just stare at the screen. and the idea of ever finishing, and beyond that, sharing it with anyone outside my own head... YIKES.

like i said, terrifying.
i even think, having written this much, that part of that is why there's been a FOUR month (!) lag on this blog. today, i decided enough was enough, and something had to give. get the itch out.

i have a very creative, yet detailed, organized, and introverted mind.
this post is the next step to making it work itself out.   ;)

Cling to Him

that's what I'm doing today. clinging.

on a day like this

i warn you, this is a little... stream-of-consciousness. and a little raw. proceed with caution and grace.
a day that is not different, not special, not really that crazy, but not exciting either...

i feel... unmotivated. almost lethargic. a bit lonely. a bit productive. a bit creative. tired. emotionally worn out. cold. sad. my heart is aching for some people i love, and they don't know it, and they probably wouldn't understand why.

...

this is the second time i've been in tears today.  the first time was so personal, i won't describe it here. this time its because i love those people. so. much. Jesus, hold them and help them know You are.

there's a ... thing... in my office that says "FAITH" and it is right across from my desk today. and i'm alone in here and while that has aided in the "get stuff accomplished" bit of the day (thank the Lord), it means i have a lot of quiet for my thoughts to roll around in my head. very few distractions (which i really do love on days like this). but FAITH. maybe that's it. maybe it's feeling a little shaken.

i've been reading a chapter of john's gospel each day since Feb. 4, and since Feb. 10 i've been reading a psalm and a proverb. it's been good. i've been reminded of things that God has done and will do and is doing, and how i can come to Him with literally everything i'm feeling. i love that He gave us people falling apart, people failing, and showed us how He used and completed them.

i want to be used. i want to be part of the creation that is glorifying Him. i know i'm not good enough alone. thankfully He is with me, in me. but it's still scary, and i'm not feeling very sure. i sort of wish He'd tell me more of the plan. but i realize that then i'd probably be even more frightened and i'd become one of those pillar statues, stuck and stone and unmoving. even so, it's frustrating.

and in so many ways, for so many reasons, for so many things, i don't want to wait anymore. 

so.

i cling to faith, by His grace.